So 'Big Brother' is back on our screens or to be correct "Celebrity" Big Brother is back! So why the ironic use of the word celebrity? I hear you cry. Well let's face it, this years intake of species that we will be viewing in this petrie dish of human waste is probably the worst collective of celebrities ever. They didn't just just scrape the barrel, they washed it out and picked out the scum left at the bottom. Personally, most of the people who are in the house this year are unknown to me and the ones I do know of, I wish I didn't. So for those who didn't watch Celebrity Big Brother or in fact have no intention of watching it, here's a run down of this year class of famous morons.
Kerry Katona
Some people said she looked like Jedward, but I think she looked like Pink's chubby little brother. Anyways the drug-free, new look version 2.0 Kerry Katona is in the house. Will she break down? Will she make an arse of herself? Who knows? But let's face it the way our society works, I wouldn't put it past Kerry to win over the hearts of the nation and win this thing.
Tara Reid
Hey remember 'American pie'? Of course you do. Well Tara Reid was the main eye candy in this film and other than a few guest appearances on 'Scrubs' we hadn't seen much of her, and what we did see, we didn't want to (google Tara Reid's stomach). So Tara has been pretty much getting wasted since the wrap party for "American pie 2" and she was still fucked when she showed up in the 'Big Brother' house. Tara is another potential car crash in this years show, I'm having prophetic visions of her and Kerry fighting for the last bottle of Lambrini.
Paddy Doherty
Through fear of reprisal I will keep this short and sweet. Paddy was in 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding'.
Amy Childs
Anyone who watches 'The only way is Essex' will know who this poor excuse for womankind is. I, however have never had my mind raped by tripe like "TOWIE", "Geordie Shore" and "Made in Chelsea". So essentially she is a ditsy, vapid and shallow woman who brings no cerebral stimulation in the slightest. I will be honest she's one reason to turn off. When she speaks, her words touch me, not in a nice way but in a creepy uncle, Michael Jackson kind of way (they molest my soul) If you read "Zoo" or "Nuts" magazine, I'm sure you will love her, but for those of us that have a reading age above that of an 8 year old, you and I going to grind our teeth to the roots. Maybe she will grow on me and maybe I will enjoy visiting the dentist to have my teeth drilled at. Either way I'm ordering a shit load of novacaine.
Darryn Lyons
"Mr Papparazzi" as he is known to most, is one of the biggest (fat pun) distributors of immoral photographs (ok, papping celebs isn't that bad, but it sounded good right?) is finally being locked up, unfortunately just in the big brother house, not some Guantanamo style hell hole. He strikes me as someone I wouldn't tire of punching. Needless to say I also think he will be the most interesting of all the faux celebrities in this years house. He probably knows his fellow contestants better than they know themselves, will he use his powers for good? Would Gary Barlow fuck a chicken if you put it in front him? Who knows? I'm not saying he would but Gary Barlow and the chicken seems more likely.
Sally Bercow
She is the wife of the speaker of the house of commons, or at least she was before she went in the house. It's ludicrous how easy it is to become a celebrity these days. You don't even have to really be famous as long as you know someone who is a little bit. Apparently the man who installed Boy George's sex dungeon is going into the house next week. But seriously, I know very little about this woman, she strikes me as a bit of a bitch and a snob but I could be wrong.
Lucian Laviscount
I don't watch Corrie, mainly because I find it depressing and I'm not a sex offender so I don't watch 'Waterloo road', so I've never really heard of this guy. He's obviously some eye candy for the ladies and maybe he will get the ladies pulses rising but to be honest I'm probably going to ignore him for the next three weeks.
Pamela Bach Hasslehoff
The ex-wife of David Hasslehoff and former 'Baywatch' star is an interesting prospect, she probably has a few good stories to tell, plus she seems like she won't take shit from no one ( inspiring my nickname for her "the Bach-Hoff"). and I thinks she's already having an effect on the young male housemates. Let's be honest she ain't bad looking for an older bird, in fact she's a H.I.l.f. (Hoff I'd like to fuck).
Bobby Sabel
So they girls/gays get this guy and Lucian Laviscount as eye candy, while the boys/lesbian get what?! Kerry Katona, Amy Childs (btw if they're on Channel 5, who's on ITV 2?) and the car crash known as Tara Reid! What the actual fuck?! Anyways this is another handsome type, barring any controversy I will probably be ignoring.
Jedward
If the go compare man rented a room in a seedy motel, had sex with crazy frog, got the damn frog pregnant and had a son and that son cloned itself it still wouldn't be nearly as annoying as these strange little boys. A hideous mix of the twins from 'The Shining', Damien from 'The Omen' and Cameron Diaz in 'There's something about Mary', these boys annoy the fuck out of me, I never asked for them to be in our lives and I'm sick of having them shoved down my throat. It's all good when they are on a show like 'Buzzcocks' or '8 out of ten cats', because it's fun to see them being ripped apart by comedians especially as they don't seem to understand they are the joke. If there was any reason to switch, Jedward give you two. Saying that I would love to see what they are like over 24hours, no one can be that happy all the time.
So there you go, a brief rundown of the movers and shakers in this years cbb. I don't know what's in store for these freaks, but I'm gonna keep watching til I lose my buzz and who knows we are still long overdue for our first big brother murder (fingers crossed it involves Jedward and a big vat of acid).
Monday, 22 August 2011
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Grime and Punishment (How to Solve a problem like Shaniqua)
So in the past week we saw some of the worst acts of violence on the streets of Britain for decades. The dust is starting to settle and now we are left with the aftermath of these atrocious events. The courts are doing their best to punish these violent thugs, but we are running out of space in our prison system, and is prison really the answer? Unfortunately, our prison system is failing us, it’s failing society and it’s failing the prisoners it’s trying to rehabilitate. So what can we do? Even before all this kicked off there was discussions about whether or not we should re-introduce capitol punishment. So what should we do to punish these ragamuffins? Well as always I have a few ideas (and as always they are either A) stupid B) offensive or C) Stupidly Offensive. So here they are, my list of ways to punish the looters and rioters.
- Deportation I know what you’re all thinking, you can’t say that. That’s racist etc, etc. I’m not saying deport them permanently, what I’m suggesting is a holiday or educational trip. One of the things that the rioters complained about was a lack of opportunity and the fact they are living in poverty. I find it incredible that someone wearing brand name track suits and organising riots through expensive blackberry phones can make such a claim. So I suggest they see what real poverty looks like. We send these kids to the third world for a week or two, maybe they will learn something, maybe they will appreciate that they live in a country that will support them as much as they can.
- Apology Letters When I was in college I was a bit of a cunt (still am to be fair), I used to get in trouble a lot, and when ever I did I would have to write an apology letter to those that my actions affected. So my suggestion is to get every person involved in the loot and violence to handwrite an apology letter to every single household in Britain. I don’t know about you but I think handwriting anything is a pain in the arse let alone writing millions of apology letters. Plus the hand cramp involved in writing so much would stop them from being able the pinch anything for a while.
- Swagger Jagger “How can a song be a punishment?” I hear you cry, well, personally I haven’t heard this song but I have heard its awful to say the least, with some people going as far as calling for Cher Lloyd to be aborted. So my next suggestion is to put all the rioters in a hall strap them to seats and make them listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’ on repeat for 24 hours. Ideally this should crack them to the point where they will either want to top themselves or be reformed citizens. If this fails I hear Alexandra Burke has another album out soon, so we can just try that after.
- Saw If you haven’t seen the ‘Saw’ films, what the hell is wrong with you, although some may lack in plot and credible story telling they do however make up for it in extreme violence and gore. Basically the ‘Saw movies are about the Jigsaw killer (even though technically he has not committed a single murder) he captures people that are wasting there lives, they are usually liars, cheats, thieves or drug addicts. He aims to teach them to value their lives by entrapping them in all manner of vicious devices. So why don’t we do this, I know capital punishment is kinda wrong and it infringes their human rights (to be fair suggestion number 3 would probably be frowned upon by the U.N.) however these guys might actually come out of the traps with a new appreciation for life, wanting to be the best they could be, and those who don’t make it won’t be much of a loss from the human gene pool.
- Military Ops Military ops? What the fuck? Yes your reading this right. The amount of destruction caused by these cretins was abhorrent but also a little bit impressive, they also showed no mercy and no remorse, if we could train these rioters and looters and harness their aggression we could get our empire back.
- Tattoos Tattoos? Yep, Tattoos. In fact big forehead tattoos, tattoos that say cunt on them.Everyone will know why they have them so it will work like a warning for regular citizens of Britain.
- The Stocks In the old days, people that stepped out of line they were put into the stocks and were pelted with rotten vegetables. That’ll learn’em.
So here are my suggestions for punishing these troubled youths, some punishments might seem a little extreme, but hey, its just a comedy blog what were you expecting? In next weeks blog is an exclusive interview with an eskimo wallet manufacturer.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Wicksie explains the riots....
The recent events in London and other major cities in the U.K. Have saddened me, there is just no excuse for such senseless violence and destruction. Therefore from now on I will be referring to recent events as Bitch fit 2011. But what is the cause of all this, many people have stated that it's a generations anger against the government and the establishment in whole, but we are all suffering yet there are still honest people out there that have not resorted to looting and rioting. Some off the interviews with this disenfranchised youth sadden me beyond belief, their lack of understanding and complete disregard for others is beyond all belief. I know maybe it's not the right time for humor but here is a list of possible reasons why these riots started.
1) 'Watch the throne' being an iTunes exclusive:
Jay-Z and Kanye West's long awaited album was released on iTunes and iTunes only. Could the fact that this highly anticipated album is not yet available on CD?
2) Football transfers:
Is it any coincidence that a lot of these riots were near football teams? Maybe it's frustration at clubs selling their best players. I.e. Modric to Chelsea and Fabregas to Barcelona or even Tevez to where ever he pleases. Could people ever be that passionate about over-paid and over-pampered professional footballers? Who knows?
3) Cher Lloyd
Let's face it, shit really hit the fan on Sunday night, 'Swagger Jagger' reaches number one in the charts that day. I'm not pointing fingers but if I did they may well be pointed towards that dwarfish, troll-like talentless chav. How can a song that shit ( btw not heard it just basing this on public opinion) be at no.1?
4) Eastenders
Was it not only a week a so ago that Lola Mitchell set fire to a bunch of furniture in the middle of the square, if she has influenced this, this will be the most influential thing Eastenders has done since Steve McFadden got our nation into dogging.
5) Still no sign of 'Detox'
I know another hip-hop reference makes me sound racist but.... Even I'm a little pissed about this one too. Dr Dre's yet to be released album is becoming the 'Chinese democracy' of the urban community. However I didn't see anyone riot because it took so long to come out (although there should have been a riot when it did come out).
6) Voldermort
Yes I know (spoiler alert) that Voldermort is dead but maybe these kids on the street aren't disaffected youths but are death eaters. These death eaters are clearly pissed (spoiler alert again) that Harry Potter killed their leader.
7) 'Anuvahood'
Seriously that film was shit, plus it makes out that a lot of these young urban kids living on estate are thick and violent (oh yeah, in all honesty you could probably recut that film and it would be an example of what that culture is like).
8) The Olympics
A lot of people didn't want the Olympics in the first place, maybe the youth of the nation were sick of seeing Seb Coe and BoJo (Boris Johnson) talking about 2012, urban regeneration and stadiums. I know I am.
9) Still no sign of iPhone 5
If these kids are anything like me, they are probably disappointed that iPhone 5 has yet to be announced, why are you dragging your feet apple the kids on the street have spoken they want iPhone 5 and they want it now.
10) New Mac mini released without DVD drive
Apple only recently released it's latest incantation of the Mac mini, this time without a super drive ( DVD drive) wtf apple the Mac mini was the best computer for setting up a home media centre and although the disc drive isn't the be all and end all it was still a decent enough feature to keep. This has clearly angered the people on the streets.
So here is my list of alternative explanations for the riot, I hope you enjoyed it next week I will be discussing alternative uses for Cher Lloyd and investigating just what is a "Swagger Jagger".
Friday, 5 August 2011
The Most Surreal Day Ever...
As I write this, I'm currently sitting in a car with my mum, dad and wonderful girlfriend Kayleigh. We are on our way to the beach, but don't panic, I'm not about to write an entire blog post about our little stay-cation in Devon. But it will be about one day of it. A day like no other, and one that will probably be one of the most surreal of my life. Unless I encounter Somali pirates on the surface on the moon.
Friday started like any other day, waking up early resenting the alarm clock that shook me out of my glorious slumber. That's where the similarity ended, for today didn't involve work, me and Kayleigh were going to Devon, now neither of us drive, so our options were thus coach or train. Personally, I hate trains and I usually prefer the luxury of a coach, plus we had booked our tickets weeks I advanced (£9 per person each way). So we left our home to go to Heathrow airport bus and coach station. We found the bus stand and put our bags down, I then went to the nearest over-priced coffee shop to grab a latte for Kayleigh and a vanilla frappe milkshake for me. When I returned to my beautiful girlfriend she was having a conversation with a Mr Hussein. When he saw me he quickly left ( understandable seeing as I can look quite intimidating ;) ).
Not long after this we boarded the coach, noticing that our new friend Mr Hussein, kept walking away from his bag, every time he returned we felt a little less on edge. Finally our coach departed for Exeter for a hellish journey.
I don't know how many people reading this have travelled anywhere by coach, but sometimes it can be quite a harrowing experience. Essentially, they take the worst parts of being on an airplane such as the cramped conditions, lack of leg room and the horrible fart smell ( to be fair the last one could have been me, Wicksie travel tip 1 never eat curry the day before a coach journey) and then they take away the best part (alcohol). So having to deal with four cramped and sober hours of coach travel is definitely not the best way to start any day, let alone a holiday. When we finally arrived at Exeter bus station, we were greeted by my cousin and up and coming rapper Zuby. My cousin drove us to the small Devon town of Hatherleigh, where we would be spending the next week with my family. We dropped Zuby's bags off at the place he would be staying and went to my parents, so me and Kayleigh could settle in. We unpacked a little and freshened up a tad and came downstairs to enjoy a barbecue with my mum, dad, my cousin Becky, my Aunt Sue and Uncle Phil and Zuby. This is where the day started to get surreal, here we are myself, my beautiful girlfriend, my family and up and coming hip hop artist Zuby, sitting in my parents garden chatting. We discussed many things but we were mainly interested to find out more about our guest Zuby. We learnt all about his up bringing and most of his life story and his influences. It was strange to see my family connecting with someone completely different from the people they are used to in their rural bubble. However this wasn't to be the strangest part of the day, no that would come a little bit later in the evening.
After the barbecue and a few drinks we headed down to the main square where the marquee had been set up for Hatherleigh festival. There were three acts on that night and Zuby was opening. Now I don't know if anyone reading this has been to Hatherleigh ( or in fact if anyone reads this ) but Hatherleigh reminds me of Sandford the small little village in 'Hot fuzz'. That's not to say that it is anything like the fictitious village in which Simon Pegg and Nick Frost had gun fights with vicars and pensioners.
Being a Londoner, you have all these pre-concoctions about rural folk, especially ones who live in quaint little villages. In all honesty I felt sorry for Zuby, he was young black male in a village full of "honkeys" (my words not his) and he was about to perform for these people. When we arrived to the marquee, we had technical difficulties something to do with cables or something (although I'm a geek, I have no idea when it comes to outside electrical plugs, p.a's and sound systems). Once that was sorted out Zuby needed to do a sound check, however another problem struck when his cd full of instrumental tracks for him to rap over wasn't working. Luckily, he had a back up plan in the form of his iPhone, which had copies of all his instrumentals so that was connected to the sound system for him to rap to. The hour of judgement soon approached and a new problem arose when my uncle said that there was no one to introduce the acts, Becky, who along with her mum (my aunt Sue) worked incredibly hard to put on this show didn't feel up to doing it. Fortunately for them my girlfriend Kayleigh volunteered [me] to do it. So I went in front of a crowd of absolute strangers, in a place I've only visited once, to introduce a man I had only met that afternoon. So Zuby rolls on to the stage in front of a crowd filled with octogenarians, kids and farmers and gets the atmosphere going. It was surreal to see a group so disconnected from hip hop and urban culture enjoying Zuby's performance and if I'm completely honest I don't think Jay-Z himself would have been able to put on a better performance and I don't think he would have had the same charisma to get the crowd moving. It was a surreal sight to see people that are probably more used to hip- ops than hip hop dancing and enjoying Zuby's sound. Zuby should definitely have taken something from this, if he can make that much of an impact on a small village community, you can only imagine what it would be like to perform for those more receptive to his sound.
I know I said this day was surreal, and in my opinion it was. I mean it wasn't Salvador Dali melting clocks surreal but probably about as surreal as a Devon holiday can get. For those interested in Zuby, follow him on twitter he's @zubymusic, my cousin has her own blog which is pretty awesome for music fans her twitter is @therealdealbex and Hatherleigh festival which I hope to be official compering next year is also on twitter @Hatherleighfest. all of which I suggest you follow.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
The Ten Bromandments
Firstly, I would like to apologize for the fact that this blog hasn't been updated in a long time, a lot of personal problems (which most of my friends know about already and doesn't really need to be mentioned again). Anyways I would like to take the opportunity to use this blog to speak on a subject that's very close to my heart, that subject is the Bro Code. Everyone knows the bro code and most people I know abide to it in some form or another but like most ancient transcriptions of important historical documents, the original meaning gets misinterpreted and lost in translation. Luckily for my wonderful blog readers I managed to get my hands on the original bro code, the ten bromandments. We all know the story of Moses and the ten commandments, but little is documented about his brother Broses. Broses was a simple man he liked to drink and he loved women, in fact he loved women a little bit too much and was on the odd occasion caught in bed with many of his friends wives. One day after a particularly eventful night in which he drank way too much Jesus juice ( only then it wasn't called Jesus juice because Jesus wasn't even born yet) was kicked out of a brothel and told by townsfolk that he needed to leave the town for thirty days so that he could sober up and reflect on his behaviour. While on his journey of self discovery he began to realize the error of his ways, and as he did this he was struck by lightening. While in a state of unconsciousness he spoke to God himself. God told him that the only way he could improve the lives of his friends and family was if he followed the ten Bromandments, a set of rules created by God himself to ensure that bros everywhere can live in peace. God told Broses that he was the chosen one, that he would be the man to lead bros into a new era of peace and understanding. When Broses awoke, he believed that he had just dreamt his conversation with God and put it down to the fact that he was sober for the first time in his life. That was until he saw them, two stone (material not weight) tablets, each engraved with 5 rules about the way bros should conduct themselves. Broses quickly returned back to his home town, he knew he had to spread the word to bros everywhere. When he returned, he gathered the towns bros and told them the very same bromandments that I am about to reveal to you now.
1) Never ditch a bro for a woman (unless that woman is your significant other).
2) Treat your bros as your own, I don't mean literally touch it or or anything but if your bro is going through a dry spell, it is your duty as his bro to make sure that he gets some.
3) Never get with a relative of a bro. This mainly refers to sisters and mothers. Hot aunts and step mums are ok.
4) If a bro is having a tough time in life and if you have the funds, it is your honor as his bro to take him out to get wasted.
5)A bro is honor bound to lie to a woman to help his bro get laid.
6)A bro doesn't have to defend his choice of sexual partner, if it has been more than six months since he's had any.
7) If two bros, have their eyes on the same girl, said girl goes to the bro who calls dibs first. If that girl rejects bro a, bro b is allowed to make a move.
8) NEVER, EVER make eye contact during a devils three way.
9)A bro should always provide a bro with protection if he is about to get some but forgot to buy any.
10) A bro will always have his bros back unless said bro has broken one of the above commandments.
So there we have it the ten bromandments, I hope this settles any issues, fellow bros may have in the future.
1) Never ditch a bro for a woman (unless that woman is your significant other).
2) Treat your bros as your own, I don't mean literally touch it or or anything but if your bro is going through a dry spell, it is your duty as his bro to make sure that he gets some.
3) Never get with a relative of a bro. This mainly refers to sisters and mothers. Hot aunts and step mums are ok.
4) If a bro is having a tough time in life and if you have the funds, it is your honor as his bro to take him out to get wasted.
5)A bro is honor bound to lie to a woman to help his bro get laid.
6)A bro doesn't have to defend his choice of sexual partner, if it has been more than six months since he's had any.
7) If two bros, have their eyes on the same girl, said girl goes to the bro who calls dibs first. If that girl rejects bro a, bro b is allowed to make a move.
8) NEVER, EVER make eye contact during a devils three way.
9)A bro should always provide a bro with protection if he is about to get some but forgot to buy any.
10) A bro will always have his bros back unless said bro has broken one of the above commandments.
So there we have it the ten bromandments, I hope this settles any issues, fellow bros may have in the future.
Monday, 23 May 2011
Some say the bible is holy, I think it's holey.
"When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church."
Jimmy Carr
So heres the blunt of it, I'm not exactly religious, in fact I would go as far as saying that I hate organized religion but I'm no atheist either. What?! How can I not be affiliated with a particular church, sect or cult and still not call myself an atheist? Well here's how there's too much we have yet to learn about this crazy planet we call home, there's too much beauty in this world to just put it down to natural selection and other theories. However I'm digressing from my point, which is that organized religion is quintessentially the reason for the lack of social evolution we currently experience. If I found an old piece of paper and on that paper was a set of rules from an apparently omnipotent being, that governed the way we should live our lives, you would consider me crazy for living by them, but here we are thousands of years after Moses apparently received the ten commandments from God still living by these archaic philosophies. I'm not saying murder isn't wrong, it is and I won't be doing that again for a while (police are closing in on me as we speak) but how can we live by a set of rules that doesn't take into account social change. So just for fun here is the ten commandments followed by mitigating circumstances in which I believe it's ok to break them.
1 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
( ok firstly never been to Egypt dude, secondly some people like to visit the house of bondage when their wife is out of town, and if your so powerful why do u give a fuck if I believe in another god.)
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
( ok dude your starting to sound a little bit like my misses when I go to the pub, if I were god I wouldn't give a shit about what humans do. I'd do something awesome like a get a leprechaun and unicorn to fight. Anyway our society has created it's own Gods out of rockstars, royalty and reality t.v. Stars so I think this one can be scrapped.)
3 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
( God dammit, can't you just let me have this one everyone does it)
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
(that's all well and good but if I need overtime I'm gonna work Sunday, how about you come up with a commandment that increase the minimum wage and we'll talk. Also I don't have any servants or cattle.)
5 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
( I kinda agree with this but I love my parents, but what if you were born into a family crack addicts and you have health problems because your junkie mum was using during pregnancy?)
6 “You shall not murder.
( self defence? Or what if they deserved it? I.e. Simon Cowell)
7 “You shall not commit adultery.
( what if she's really hot? I'm joking this is a solid one, but maybe add you shall not commit kidultery)
8 “You shall not steal.
( I agree you shouldn't steal from other people but big faceless corporation where's the harm?)
9 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
( I'm not even sure this means anything.)
10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”
( if my neighbor had a female servant I would be a little jealous in all fairness, but I only covet technology, you shall not covet your neighbors 64gb iPad 2 would be more like it for me)
So there's my get outs and other comments about the ten commandments, but there's plenty of other rules and guides to how you should live your life in there. The problem is that these are mainly interpretations and can obviously be interpreted anyway, could it be that some unscrupulous people might interpret certain religious extracts to force their agenda on the witless masses. Of course not, that would be ludicrous (rolls eyes).
I understand how important religion is to some, for some people it's a source of strength. Personally I think its a method of controlling societies. Everyone has an opinion on this, and I hope this strikes up some sort of debate.
Hopefully soon I will have this months awesome list ready for y'all to read.
Jimmy Carr
So heres the blunt of it, I'm not exactly religious, in fact I would go as far as saying that I hate organized religion but I'm no atheist either. What?! How can I not be affiliated with a particular church, sect or cult and still not call myself an atheist? Well here's how there's too much we have yet to learn about this crazy planet we call home, there's too much beauty in this world to just put it down to natural selection and other theories. However I'm digressing from my point, which is that organized religion is quintessentially the reason for the lack of social evolution we currently experience. If I found an old piece of paper and on that paper was a set of rules from an apparently omnipotent being, that governed the way we should live our lives, you would consider me crazy for living by them, but here we are thousands of years after Moses apparently received the ten commandments from God still living by these archaic philosophies. I'm not saying murder isn't wrong, it is and I won't be doing that again for a while (police are closing in on me as we speak) but how can we live by a set of rules that doesn't take into account social change. So just for fun here is the ten commandments followed by mitigating circumstances in which I believe it's ok to break them.
1 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.
( ok firstly never been to Egypt dude, secondly some people like to visit the house of bondage when their wife is out of town, and if your so powerful why do u give a fuck if I believe in another god.)
2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
( ok dude your starting to sound a little bit like my misses when I go to the pub, if I were god I wouldn't give a shit about what humans do. I'd do something awesome like a get a leprechaun and unicorn to fight. Anyway our society has created it's own Gods out of rockstars, royalty and reality t.v. Stars so I think this one can be scrapped.)
3 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.
( God dammit, can't you just let me have this one everyone does it)
4. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.
(that's all well and good but if I need overtime I'm gonna work Sunday, how about you come up with a commandment that increase the minimum wage and we'll talk. Also I don't have any servants or cattle.)
5 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.
( I kinda agree with this but I love my parents, but what if you were born into a family crack addicts and you have health problems because your junkie mum was using during pregnancy?)
6 “You shall not murder.
( self defence? Or what if they deserved it? I.e. Simon Cowell)
7 “You shall not commit adultery.
( what if she's really hot? I'm joking this is a solid one, but maybe add you shall not commit kidultery)
8 “You shall not steal.
( I agree you shouldn't steal from other people but big faceless corporation where's the harm?)
9 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
( I'm not even sure this means anything.)
10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”
( if my neighbor had a female servant I would be a little jealous in all fairness, but I only covet technology, you shall not covet your neighbors 64gb iPad 2 would be more like it for me)
So there's my get outs and other comments about the ten commandments, but there's plenty of other rules and guides to how you should live your life in there. The problem is that these are mainly interpretations and can obviously be interpreted anyway, could it be that some unscrupulous people might interpret certain religious extracts to force their agenda on the witless masses. Of course not, that would be ludicrous (rolls eyes).
I understand how important religion is to some, for some people it's a source of strength. Personally I think its a method of controlling societies. Everyone has an opinion on this, and I hope this strikes up some sort of debate.
Hopefully soon I will have this months awesome list ready for y'all to read.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
A few of my fav things (this month (April 2011))
So it seems like the world is heading towards apocalypse,I'm pretty sure the four horsemen mentioned in the bible are here ( war, famine, pestilence and Justin Bieber) and in these gloomy end of days times it's sometimes difficult to feel happy anymore, but why should you in these days where you realize that a completely thick, plastic slag (Jordan) has earned more money then you ever will. My way of keeping happy is to make lists of things that make me happy ( I don't). I've decided once a month to blog a list of that make me happy right now, it could be new tech, new tech, a t.v. show, movie or even a song, maybe even a quote from a friend if it's good. So here it is the things that I like list for March 2011....
Due South (T.V. Show)
So what do you get when you take a Canadian Mountie, team him up with an Italian-American cop and put them on the streets of Chi(cago) town? The answer is Due South, potentially the most epic daytime cop show ever. Benton Fraser (Paul Gross) is a fantastic character, he is smart, polite and charming the complete opposite of his partner Ray Vecchio (David Marciano), the chemistry between the two is just awesome. If you haven't seen it you need to. For me it brings a sense of nostalgia, for others it will be an experience they will look forward to being nostalgic about.
Nintendo 3DS (gadget)
I know right?! I'm making more u turns than John Kerry but I kept an open mind when it came to the 3DS ( which my fiancé bought for my birthday), and in all honesty it is amazing. The games are graphically superior to anything I have ever seen on a portable, they are just so immersive. There is sooo much potential in this latest nintendo offering. Augmented reality, 3D photos, and of course the games make this one hell of a device, stories in the paper suggest that some people aren't entirely happy with it. But it just seems like a bunch idiots complying about nothing, there is a switch to adjust the level of 3D so it seems like a petty complaint. Seriously, would people sue an music player maker for how loud it is? (Well, maybe in America).
Give The Drummer Some By Travis Barker (Album)
Travis Barker takes a break from making blink 182 look good, to work with some of hip hops best artists. The result is a wonderfully crafted album that is filled with killer tracks. The calibre of artists that Travis managed to get on this album is astounding. There are too many tracks to talk about the album in great length but for me the highlights of this album include "Beat Goes On" (a track that features Cypress Hill), "Can a Drummer Get Some" ( featuring Lil Wayne and the Game) and "Let's Go" ( featuring Busta Rhymes, Lupe Fiasco and Twista). This album is definitely worth giving a go, even if your not really into hip hop you will probably find a track you like.
Machete (Movie)
We first got a glimpse of this film, when it came as a trailer for Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez' 'Grindhouse' double feature, and since then I have been counting the days until this potential masterpiece was released. The problem is when you wait along time for something like this you build up your expectations and sometimes you find that it just doesn't live up to it. However that definitely wasn't the issue here. This film was a-mazing, I don't want to ruin it too much but this film had it all, a fantastic cast (including Robert De Niro, Steven Segal and Danny Trejo as the title character.) The plot is simple but in the sense that it doesn't bog you down with too much to think about. Essentially its a tale of revenge, that includes some unbelievably gory scenes. All in all if your looking for a kick ass action movie that is smart, yet uncomplicated then this film is the one for you.
So there you have it this was my list of kick ass things that cheer me up for the month of April, gonna start on next months, as well as doing a proper blog post involving angry sweaty words and insults about dwarfs.
Due South (T.V. Show)
So what do you get when you take a Canadian Mountie, team him up with an Italian-American cop and put them on the streets of Chi(cago) town? The answer is Due South, potentially the most epic daytime cop show ever. Benton Fraser (Paul Gross) is a fantastic character, he is smart, polite and charming the complete opposite of his partner Ray Vecchio (David Marciano), the chemistry between the two is just awesome. If you haven't seen it you need to. For me it brings a sense of nostalgia, for others it will be an experience they will look forward to being nostalgic about.
Nintendo 3DS (gadget)
I know right?! I'm making more u turns than John Kerry but I kept an open mind when it came to the 3DS ( which my fiancé bought for my birthday), and in all honesty it is amazing. The games are graphically superior to anything I have ever seen on a portable, they are just so immersive. There is sooo much potential in this latest nintendo offering. Augmented reality, 3D photos, and of course the games make this one hell of a device, stories in the paper suggest that some people aren't entirely happy with it. But it just seems like a bunch idiots complying about nothing, there is a switch to adjust the level of 3D so it seems like a petty complaint. Seriously, would people sue an music player maker for how loud it is? (Well, maybe in America).
Give The Drummer Some By Travis Barker (Album)
Travis Barker takes a break from making blink 182 look good, to work with some of hip hops best artists. The result is a wonderfully crafted album that is filled with killer tracks. The calibre of artists that Travis managed to get on this album is astounding. There are too many tracks to talk about the album in great length but for me the highlights of this album include "Beat Goes On" (a track that features Cypress Hill), "Can a Drummer Get Some" ( featuring Lil Wayne and the Game) and "Let's Go" ( featuring Busta Rhymes, Lupe Fiasco and Twista). This album is definitely worth giving a go, even if your not really into hip hop you will probably find a track you like.
Machete (Movie)
We first got a glimpse of this film, when it came as a trailer for Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez' 'Grindhouse' double feature, and since then I have been counting the days until this potential masterpiece was released. The problem is when you wait along time for something like this you build up your expectations and sometimes you find that it just doesn't live up to it. However that definitely wasn't the issue here. This film was a-mazing, I don't want to ruin it too much but this film had it all, a fantastic cast (including Robert De Niro, Steven Segal and Danny Trejo as the title character.) The plot is simple but in the sense that it doesn't bog you down with too much to think about. Essentially its a tale of revenge, that includes some unbelievably gory scenes. All in all if your looking for a kick ass action movie that is smart, yet uncomplicated then this film is the one for you.
So there you have it this was my list of kick ass things that cheer me up for the month of April, gonna start on next months, as well as doing a proper blog post involving angry sweaty words and insults about dwarfs.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Positivity in modern television
It feels like ages since I last wrote one of these, oh it has been ages. Oh well. I know it's not the most sophisticated of tastes, but I'm not particularly sophisticated, but one thing that I have to say is that I love watching t.v. but who doesn't right? I have tons of favorite shows, some old, some new the point is that television is an amazing format. It's been around for decades and has rolled with almost every technological advancement. Unlike certain media formats it has evolved with society, it isn't stuck in a time warp that's for certain even though it's time is coming to an end (we need every show available when we want, not on someone elses schedule.). One show I have been watching with my fiancée lately is a show that manages to make me feel warm inside, no I'm not talking about "Rastamouse" (which seems to me to be the outcome if you put a group of stoners in a room with a set of Sylvainian family toys), the show I'm talking about isn't even on t.v. anymore (which is a big shame, maybe someone at Dave can put aside an hour a week in which they don't put that smug cunt Jeremy Clarkson on) anyways the show is called "The Amazing Adventures Of A Nobody".
"The Amazing Adventures Of A Nobody", centres on the travels of Leon Logothetis. There are three series, in one series he has to travel around the U.K. on £5 a day, he also travels the U.S. ( on $5 a day) and Europe (€5 a day). This may spoil it a little bit but he successfully completes each tour, mostly because of the helpfulness of the strangers he meets on his travels. Sometimes it's good to put on a t.v. show and actually feel happy. We live in a society where most t.v. shows perpetuate old fashioned stereotypes and pump you full of fear that when you come across a gem like this it's hard not to smile. Leon, is such a delightfully charming person that you do think that if anyone else did the show they may not have got so far. Honestly, Leon manages to charm and entertain almost everyone he encounters, on numerous occasions getting free lifts, a bed for the night, free meals and train tickets. If you ever get the chance to watch this show don't pass it up because you will regret not watching it. The people he meets on his travels are so interesting in particular the ones that help him, he encounters everyone from off duty soldiers to refugees. Each have their own story in which Leon takes the time to listen to ( sometimes putting his own troubles into perspective). He didn't do those journey's for the fame (clearly) or for any monetary gain, but to meet new people and for the sense of adventure.
I was lucky in the fact that I managed to get hold of the DVDs from the production company (Shankley Productions) because we (my fiancée and I) had seen a couple of episodes a couple of years back we knew we had to look for it, and after a bit of research managed to email someone at the production company who sent them. The point of this rather short blog post is that television doesn't need to be all doom and gloom (Eastenders, Hollyoaks, Sky news) in fact t.v. can be a place for wonderment and excitement (My Name Is Earl, How I Met Your Mother, Rastamouse), wouldn't that be nice to see, television shows that cheer you up rather than shows that make you want to smash your t.v. over your head. Apologies for the shortness of this blog but hopefully I will be back very soon with something that resembles a coherent blog.
"The Amazing Adventures Of A Nobody", centres on the travels of Leon Logothetis. There are three series, in one series he has to travel around the U.K. on £5 a day, he also travels the U.S. ( on $5 a day) and Europe (€5 a day). This may spoil it a little bit but he successfully completes each tour, mostly because of the helpfulness of the strangers he meets on his travels. Sometimes it's good to put on a t.v. show and actually feel happy. We live in a society where most t.v. shows perpetuate old fashioned stereotypes and pump you full of fear that when you come across a gem like this it's hard not to smile. Leon, is such a delightfully charming person that you do think that if anyone else did the show they may not have got so far. Honestly, Leon manages to charm and entertain almost everyone he encounters, on numerous occasions getting free lifts, a bed for the night, free meals and train tickets. If you ever get the chance to watch this show don't pass it up because you will regret not watching it. The people he meets on his travels are so interesting in particular the ones that help him, he encounters everyone from off duty soldiers to refugees. Each have their own story in which Leon takes the time to listen to ( sometimes putting his own troubles into perspective). He didn't do those journey's for the fame (clearly) or for any monetary gain, but to meet new people and for the sense of adventure.
I was lucky in the fact that I managed to get hold of the DVDs from the production company (Shankley Productions) because we (my fiancée and I) had seen a couple of episodes a couple of years back we knew we had to look for it, and after a bit of research managed to email someone at the production company who sent them. The point of this rather short blog post is that television doesn't need to be all doom and gloom (Eastenders, Hollyoaks, Sky news) in fact t.v. can be a place for wonderment and excitement (My Name Is Earl, How I Met Your Mother, Rastamouse), wouldn't that be nice to see, television shows that cheer you up rather than shows that make you want to smash your t.v. over your head. Apologies for the shortness of this blog but hopefully I will be back very soon with something that resembles a coherent blog.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Cinema? No thanks! I think I'd rather drink rat piss til I get a disease.
I'm gonna level with ya, if your reading this thinking I may write about new movies. Your in for a disappointment but don't despair it's just one of the many you will endure on the ongoing journey to the crypt. I don't go to the cinema and I won't go to the cinema, there is not a good enough reason to make me to go, and there are plenty of reasons why I wouldn't and I think this may well be the topic of this very blog.
Reason one: The Internet
This might be because I'm insanely lazy or a because I'm crap in most social situations, but I would much rather download a movie from iTunes and watch it on my big screen t.v. via an apple t.v. box (by the way that last sentence wasn't intended as bragging) it's hd quality (albeit 720p) and it's quick and simple and let's face it that's what our society is aiming for right?! Isn't the future all robots and computers that do everything while we overpopulated the world with slow witted obese twat bags that will never work a day in their life ( sorry been watching too much Jezza Kyle and sci-fi movies). Fuck leaving my living room, big t.v., surround sound and an 99% chance of not getting stabbed (1% chance cos the misses may well tire of my bullshit, wouldn't blame her I'm getting pretty tired of it myself). Anyways I could talk all day about the intricacy of my relationship but you would get bored and my misses would rip my balls off and feed them to pigs ( she's watched too many Guy Ritchie movies) the point I'm making is if there is an easier way of doing something I'm going to do it that way, that even means that I will wait for a film to come out on DVD or the iTunes store rather than leave the safety of my home to go watch a movie at the cinema.
Reason two: The Cinema
I can't remember the last time I went to the cinema or even what film I saw ( although I suspect it was "Get him to the Greek"). If you are truly honest with yourself you can admit what a harrowing experience going to the cinema is. Firstly you have to turn up at the cinema to watch a film at a time that they allocate and it's always some strange time like 21:45 or 22:10 it might be because I'm slightly OCD but I want my films to start on the hour. So after you have picked the film you want to watch out of a choice of 6 ( which really isn't the freedom of choice I'm used to in this day and age) You then get to choose what overpriced snacks you want to buy ( oooohhh! Do I spend my hard earned money on the £5 drink or the £3 sweets?) seriously where the hell do cinemas get off charging so much?! If you popped into tesco and bought a bottle of pepsi and the person at the till told you it cost £5 you would probably tell them to fuck off. So why do we accept this case of extortion if ordinarily we wouldn't? Sometimes they even search you for food to prevent you from taking anything in from home. So forgive me if I prefer being at home to being searched by the food Nazis. Welcome to a Hollywood holocaust in which carrying a chocolate bar is considered to be on a par with possession of a wrap of cocaine and a shopping list is considered a thought crime.
Reason three: The movies
I think that the biggest and best reason for not going to the cinema, has to be the quality of the films. Let's face it apart from the odd film like "Inception" Hollywood really doesn't put out the decent quality it used to. If you go the cinema on any given day your going to be confronted by the following choices;
A soulless cgi movie for kids that lacks in plot and charm.
A hapless horror movie that follows tIred clichès and isn't remotely scary.
A pointless action movie starring some knuckle drugging ape as some guy who has to avenge something for some reason.
And whatever cheesy romantic comedy starring Jennifer Anniston in her usual Rachel from Friends persona.
So forgive me for choosing watching movies at home over being over charged to spend two hours in a room with a bunch of disease spreaders while being subjected to the latest piece of shit Hollywood considers to be a movie. When is the movie industry going to realize going to the cinema is as dead as the newspaper industry and Maddy ( most probably, don't hate me too much for that).
Reason one: The Internet
This might be because I'm insanely lazy or a because I'm crap in most social situations, but I would much rather download a movie from iTunes and watch it on my big screen t.v. via an apple t.v. box (by the way that last sentence wasn't intended as bragging) it's hd quality (albeit 720p) and it's quick and simple and let's face it that's what our society is aiming for right?! Isn't the future all robots and computers that do everything while we overpopulated the world with slow witted obese twat bags that will never work a day in their life ( sorry been watching too much Jezza Kyle and sci-fi movies). Fuck leaving my living room, big t.v., surround sound and an 99% chance of not getting stabbed (1% chance cos the misses may well tire of my bullshit, wouldn't blame her I'm getting pretty tired of it myself). Anyways I could talk all day about the intricacy of my relationship but you would get bored and my misses would rip my balls off and feed them to pigs ( she's watched too many Guy Ritchie movies) the point I'm making is if there is an easier way of doing something I'm going to do it that way, that even means that I will wait for a film to come out on DVD or the iTunes store rather than leave the safety of my home to go watch a movie at the cinema.
Reason two: The Cinema
I can't remember the last time I went to the cinema or even what film I saw ( although I suspect it was "Get him to the Greek"). If you are truly honest with yourself you can admit what a harrowing experience going to the cinema is. Firstly you have to turn up at the cinema to watch a film at a time that they allocate and it's always some strange time like 21:45 or 22:10 it might be because I'm slightly OCD but I want my films to start on the hour. So after you have picked the film you want to watch out of a choice of 6 ( which really isn't the freedom of choice I'm used to in this day and age) You then get to choose what overpriced snacks you want to buy ( oooohhh! Do I spend my hard earned money on the £5 drink or the £3 sweets?) seriously where the hell do cinemas get off charging so much?! If you popped into tesco and bought a bottle of pepsi and the person at the till told you it cost £5 you would probably tell them to fuck off. So why do we accept this case of extortion if ordinarily we wouldn't? Sometimes they even search you for food to prevent you from taking anything in from home. So forgive me if I prefer being at home to being searched by the food Nazis. Welcome to a Hollywood holocaust in which carrying a chocolate bar is considered to be on a par with possession of a wrap of cocaine and a shopping list is considered a thought crime.
Reason three: The movies
I think that the biggest and best reason for not going to the cinema, has to be the quality of the films. Let's face it apart from the odd film like "Inception" Hollywood really doesn't put out the decent quality it used to. If you go the cinema on any given day your going to be confronted by the following choices;
A soulless cgi movie for kids that lacks in plot and charm.
A hapless horror movie that follows tIred clichès and isn't remotely scary.
A pointless action movie starring some knuckle drugging ape as some guy who has to avenge something for some reason.
And whatever cheesy romantic comedy starring Jennifer Anniston in her usual Rachel from Friends persona.
So forgive me for choosing watching movies at home over being over charged to spend two hours in a room with a bunch of disease spreaders while being subjected to the latest piece of shit Hollywood considers to be a movie. When is the movie industry going to realize going to the cinema is as dead as the newspaper industry and Maddy ( most probably, don't hate me too much for that).
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
The Curious Case Of Jeremy Kyle
I'll be honest here, I was struggling to come up with a topic for this blog. I could talk about the civil unrest in Egypt (but I'm far too ignorant) or the sacking of Andy Gray and Richard Keys (but anyone who knows me, will know I've probably said worse. On the subject of Andy Gray, when I was playing FIFA 11 I think he called Fernando Torres sugartits, but I digress.) I could even discuss the protests in London by Uk Uncut ( once again way too ignorant.). So I'm racking my brain (lying on the couch doing nothing) trying to think of a subject that will get people interested, words that may inspire others or at the very least provoke thought, argument or a giggle (btw who giggles, I laugh, my friends laugh, I don't ever hear people giggle and I've never heard a guffaw). So while waiting on this divine inspiration to fall in to my reclined lap, it hit me, well I say it hit me but it was more of a case of my fiancée hitting the 6 button on the free view remote. Yes my inspiration came from ITV2. That's right ITV2, the channel that brings us televisual classics such as "The only way is Essex" (which is kind of like a reality t.v. Version of "The O.C." except the c stands for cunts.), Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter ( in which the audience is constantly hoping that the next chapter involves chains and meat cleaver.) and Peter Andre: The next chapter ( a candid show that captures the Aussie pop singer and former sperm donor for Katie Price struggling to read the hungry caterpillar.). So what inspired piece of programming will I be discussing in this barely read and even less enjoyed blog? Here's a clue I'm going to cut the crap and "draw a line in the sand". Got it yet? Yeah that's right. I'm going to talk about Jeremy Kyle.
What can I say about Jeremy Kyle that hasn't been said already? Well let me try by saying I actually love this piece of shit show. I think its amazing. No other show on television shows you the truth that most problems can be solved by shouting. I enjoy this show because when I'm feeling that my life is crap and things aren't going to plan I can sit down, put on Jeremy Kyle and just bask in the glow of other people's lives going down the crapper. I'm not a "good" person in the slightest but compared to the pricks they get on this show I look like Ghandi. Where the fuck does he find these people? I'm thinking a lot of the "guests" are either the inbred hill people from "The Hills Have Eyes" or some of the children that Josef Fritzl had with his now estranged daughter. Most of the people who come on are identikit copies, they all seem to be on benefits and drugs and have never heard the word contraception ( which is fine but I think they should have been sterilized at some point). It must be hard for poor Jeremy ( don't worry insults will come later) to deal with this influx of slags and chavs and almost definitely having to deal with the stress of filming more than one show a day in order to fulfill ITV's requirements, while at the same time having to schedule around his guests benefits pay days. The stress of listening to these people's bullshit probably means that he won't live to 50 ( here's hoping anyway). The main thing that Jeremy does on his show is reveal results from tests, either lie detector (of course he cheated he's got a cock hasn't he?) and DNA ( would love it if the DNA test showed that the guests were in fact another species, that would definitely make me feel better about mankind), but how about Jezza ups the anty a little I wanna see people recording the results of a HIV test (serves you right for being a slag).
As for Mr Kyle, he must be one of the angriest men in Britain (Myself coming a close second). He shouts at his guests with no thought of the consequence and has been close to being hit on a few occasions. A usual episode will consist of some chav shouting, a slag crying, Kyle shouting then revealing a test result and then Jezza passes the buck on to long suffering life partner Graham ( if you look into his eyes they are trying to hide some dark secret of Jeremy's). I recently watched an episode in which he went around Britain confronting people that were claiming benefits, yeah nice one mate just take a swipe at your audience. I'm surprised he hasn't gone after teen mums, druggies and the elderly (oh wait). Jeremy my son don't bite the hand that feeds you. You don't see these work dodging, benefits collecting breeders go after tax payers do you? Kyle himself has had his own demons, not drink, drugs or women but gambling which is clearly the reason his show is sponsored by numerous online bingo companies (gotta pay back those debts right? I guess it serves you right for putting a wager on Audley Harrison.)
To sum up TJKS as I never call it, its white trash television. Not Jerry Springer white trash because, well we are British after all. We might drink, take drugs and have indiscriminate sex but we won't get naked and fight by a stripper poll, while an over weight pervert with a primary school education (or potential sun reader) plays sound effects taken from a seriously perverse episode of sesame street. Jeremy Kyle is clearly one of the four horseman, this is apocolypse, this is broken Britain, put your slippers on, get yourself a cupper, get comfy, sit back and enjoy. Feel free to add your opinions below or contact me personally in twitter. I'm @IamWicksie and this has been my Bloggle.
What can I say about Jeremy Kyle that hasn't been said already? Well let me try by saying I actually love this piece of shit show. I think its amazing. No other show on television shows you the truth that most problems can be solved by shouting. I enjoy this show because when I'm feeling that my life is crap and things aren't going to plan I can sit down, put on Jeremy Kyle and just bask in the glow of other people's lives going down the crapper. I'm not a "good" person in the slightest but compared to the pricks they get on this show I look like Ghandi. Where the fuck does he find these people? I'm thinking a lot of the "guests" are either the inbred hill people from "The Hills Have Eyes" or some of the children that Josef Fritzl had with his now estranged daughter. Most of the people who come on are identikit copies, they all seem to be on benefits and drugs and have never heard the word contraception ( which is fine but I think they should have been sterilized at some point). It must be hard for poor Jeremy ( don't worry insults will come later) to deal with this influx of slags and chavs and almost definitely having to deal with the stress of filming more than one show a day in order to fulfill ITV's requirements, while at the same time having to schedule around his guests benefits pay days. The stress of listening to these people's bullshit probably means that he won't live to 50 ( here's hoping anyway). The main thing that Jeremy does on his show is reveal results from tests, either lie detector (of course he cheated he's got a cock hasn't he?) and DNA ( would love it if the DNA test showed that the guests were in fact another species, that would definitely make me feel better about mankind), but how about Jezza ups the anty a little I wanna see people recording the results of a HIV test (serves you right for being a slag).
As for Mr Kyle, he must be one of the angriest men in Britain (Myself coming a close second). He shouts at his guests with no thought of the consequence and has been close to being hit on a few occasions. A usual episode will consist of some chav shouting, a slag crying, Kyle shouting then revealing a test result and then Jezza passes the buck on to long suffering life partner Graham ( if you look into his eyes they are trying to hide some dark secret of Jeremy's). I recently watched an episode in which he went around Britain confronting people that were claiming benefits, yeah nice one mate just take a swipe at your audience. I'm surprised he hasn't gone after teen mums, druggies and the elderly (oh wait). Jeremy my son don't bite the hand that feeds you. You don't see these work dodging, benefits collecting breeders go after tax payers do you? Kyle himself has had his own demons, not drink, drugs or women but gambling which is clearly the reason his show is sponsored by numerous online bingo companies (gotta pay back those debts right? I guess it serves you right for putting a wager on Audley Harrison.)
To sum up TJKS as I never call it, its white trash television. Not Jerry Springer white trash because, well we are British after all. We might drink, take drugs and have indiscriminate sex but we won't get naked and fight by a stripper poll, while an over weight pervert with a primary school education (or potential sun reader) plays sound effects taken from a seriously perverse episode of sesame street. Jeremy Kyle is clearly one of the four horseman, this is apocolypse, this is broken Britain, put your slippers on, get yourself a cupper, get comfy, sit back and enjoy. Feel free to add your opinions below or contact me personally in twitter. I'm @IamWicksie and this has been my Bloggle.
Friday, 28 January 2011
Portable gaming in the iAge.
So this month has been quite an exciting one for me and my fellow technophiles ( people who enjoy tech, not some form of electronically enhanced sex offender) with Nintendo announcing the release date of the highly anticipated 3DS and Sony unveiling their brand new portable console which is currently got the project name of Next Generation Portable. So the future seems bright for portable gaming, or does it (and by that I mean No, it doesn't.).
I could use this blog to talk about the new devices, speculating on what they will be like without actually experiencing it. I could quote the specs for both devices and compare them with each other and what's around, but I think that would be a bigger waste of time than watching ITV (with the exception of the football). You see my biggest issue with portable gaming is that in my opinion it's as obsolete as the newspaper industry (Everyone knows that its a dead format except the people making them). I realize I'm making these statements based on old portable consoles (Nintendo DS & PSP) but my understanding of portable gaming is that it's a games device you can take everywhere. That's fine both are capable of doing that but I can't remember the last time I was on the tube, bus or train and I saw someone playing a PSP or DS. I've not even seen an advert for the DS where someone is using it outside of their home. I believe the reason for this is the mobile phone. The main difference between now and 1990 ( the European release date for the original gameboy) is the rise of the mobile phone. Mobile phones today are incredible, they are basically small computers that can also from time to time make and receive phone calls and text messages. The hardware that gets packed into a phone these days is a scaled down version of what we used to get in computers only a couple of years ago. The operating software such as Google's Android and Apple's iOS is so incredibly quick and intuitive, that using mobile phones is not the chore it once was (I'm looking at you here, Nokia. Seriously I am never buying a Nokia phone ever again, but I can save that for another blog.) the apps that you can download today are amazing, there pretty much is an app for everything. The games you can download from Google Market place or Apple's app store are simply fantastic. The point I'm trying to make here is why on earth would I bother taking an extra portable device with me, when my iPhone has a pretty decent selection of games, I don't need to bother with cartridges all the games are on my phone already and if not I can always download them (network permitting). Another issue for me is cost, the new 3DS is going to cost £230, the current DSi XL costs around £150 and so does the PSP go. Is it really worthy spending such money on a device that essentially does one thing (I'm fully aware that you can take photos on the DS and you can watch movies on the PSP, but my phone does all that and more.) . Then there is the cost of the games, a brand new DS or PSP game can cost as much as £35 (3DS games rrp is £39.99) so essentially I can buy FIFA 11 for the DS for £30 but I could also get the iPhone version which is not too dissimilar for £2.99 from the app store. A phone is a hell of a lot easier to pull out and play a game on compared to a portable console, there's hardly any loading time and if my phone does get nicked it's insured (I'm also aware that you can insure a portable console, but who does that?).
I'm not saying portable consoles are all bad but there is a few things that they need to work on in order to make me interested. Firstly out of all the games I've played, only one PSP game (One of the smackdown games) let me carry on a game from a home console (PS2), I would be the first one in line to buy Sony's latest device if it allowed me to carry on a season mode from FIFA and play it out and about, even if the graphics and game play are slightly different being able to take my games with me is a dealmaker. With tablet devices being last years biggest gadget and with many more on the way, can the portable console really make a come back? Only time will tell, but it's safe to say it's going to be an exciting year for gadget fans like me. Sorry if this one is a bit more serious than usual, hopefully will be writing something a bit funnier soon.
I could use this blog to talk about the new devices, speculating on what they will be like without actually experiencing it. I could quote the specs for both devices and compare them with each other and what's around, but I think that would be a bigger waste of time than watching ITV (with the exception of the football). You see my biggest issue with portable gaming is that in my opinion it's as obsolete as the newspaper industry (Everyone knows that its a dead format except the people making them). I realize I'm making these statements based on old portable consoles (Nintendo DS & PSP) but my understanding of portable gaming is that it's a games device you can take everywhere. That's fine both are capable of doing that but I can't remember the last time I was on the tube, bus or train and I saw someone playing a PSP or DS. I've not even seen an advert for the DS where someone is using it outside of their home. I believe the reason for this is the mobile phone. The main difference between now and 1990 ( the European release date for the original gameboy) is the rise of the mobile phone. Mobile phones today are incredible, they are basically small computers that can also from time to time make and receive phone calls and text messages. The hardware that gets packed into a phone these days is a scaled down version of what we used to get in computers only a couple of years ago. The operating software such as Google's Android and Apple's iOS is so incredibly quick and intuitive, that using mobile phones is not the chore it once was (I'm looking at you here, Nokia. Seriously I am never buying a Nokia phone ever again, but I can save that for another blog.) the apps that you can download today are amazing, there pretty much is an app for everything. The games you can download from Google Market place or Apple's app store are simply fantastic. The point I'm trying to make here is why on earth would I bother taking an extra portable device with me, when my iPhone has a pretty decent selection of games, I don't need to bother with cartridges all the games are on my phone already and if not I can always download them (network permitting). Another issue for me is cost, the new 3DS is going to cost £230, the current DSi XL costs around £150 and so does the PSP go. Is it really worthy spending such money on a device that essentially does one thing (I'm fully aware that you can take photos on the DS and you can watch movies on the PSP, but my phone does all that and more.) . Then there is the cost of the games, a brand new DS or PSP game can cost as much as £35 (3DS games rrp is £39.99) so essentially I can buy FIFA 11 for the DS for £30 but I could also get the iPhone version which is not too dissimilar for £2.99 from the app store. A phone is a hell of a lot easier to pull out and play a game on compared to a portable console, there's hardly any loading time and if my phone does get nicked it's insured (I'm also aware that you can insure a portable console, but who does that?).
I'm not saying portable consoles are all bad but there is a few things that they need to work on in order to make me interested. Firstly out of all the games I've played, only one PSP game (One of the smackdown games) let me carry on a game from a home console (PS2), I would be the first one in line to buy Sony's latest device if it allowed me to carry on a season mode from FIFA and play it out and about, even if the graphics and game play are slightly different being able to take my games with me is a dealmaker. With tablet devices being last years biggest gadget and with many more on the way, can the portable console really make a come back? Only time will tell, but it's safe to say it's going to be an exciting year for gadget fans like me. Sorry if this one is a bit more serious than usual, hopefully will be writing something a bit funnier soon.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Films that make you huh!!!
When I first decided to write this blog I kind of made it my mission statement to discuss tech, t.v. And movies.
Well blog one was about the iPad (tech) blog two was about the Fresh Prince (t.v.) so to even things up so to speak I am going to discuss some movies, but not just any movies I'm going to discuss the five worst movies I have ever watched (and by watched I mean had my retinas burnt by). I'm talking about the kind of movie that has you begging for the sweet release of death or at the very least the tools to remove your eyes from their sockets. So here it is after much bullshit and procrastination is the least of my least favourite movies in no particular order.
1. Reeker (2005) Dir. Dave Payne.
A couple of years back me and my fiancée were on a bit of a horror movie kick, once we had got through the classics like the early 'Saw' movies, 'Nightmare on Elm street', Halloween and anything by Rob Zombie (FYI if you haven't seen a movie by Zombie, you are missing out he is the Tarantio of shock horror) to name a few. We started trawling for cheap looking horror movies in supermarket bargain bins to see if we could find a gem ( which by the way was a fruitless endeavor) and came across Reeker. Never has a title been so apt since I saw a book about Josef Fritzl that was called 'Monster' (which is actually an impressive DIY manual for any budding Fritzl's). So what makes the movie so bad, in all honesty there probably isn't a good thing about this movie apart from the ending credits indicating I can put away the hand gun for another day. One of the keys to a horror movie that seems to be forgotten in modern horror is empathy. Yes that's right empathy if I can't relate to or at least feel for the character I'm not going to be bothered if they are brutally slaughtered. (take note Cloverfield, but more on that later.) So everyone that gets holed up in the skanky motel in the middle of nowhere are completely unrelatable or to a lesser extent douche bags. Whether it be the drug dealer or the two thieving druggies or anyone else caught up. I can't relate to these people, they're dicks. The monster in this movie is some sort of disfigured creature that looks like the offspring of Edward Scissorhands and a tefal blender. He sounds scary right? In all honesty he looks it but he does have a major drawback. What is it I hear no one ask? An Oedipus complex (like Jason from 'Friday the 13th'), short stature ( like Chucky from 'Childs play') or a completely rational fear of fire ( like Freddy from 'Nightmare on Elm street') oh no it's nothing silly like any of those, no. The Reeker stinks, that's right he smells really bad, so therefore can be detected early enough to get away. You would think. This collective of retards manages to go with every tired clichè of the genre. I.e. they split up and investigate their surroundings (another reason for no sympathy). One by one they are murdered and if I recall correctly one gets away. This piece of shit movie worries me, if someone at a studio read this script and decided it would make a good movie what other crap are they going to bring out (see 'Rubber' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1612774/).
2. Cloverfield (2008) Dir. Matt Reeves.
What can I say about this movie, that hasn't been covered before? Well in my opinion I think this movie shares similar qualities to 'One Night in Paris' ( the Paris Hilton sex tape) it's amateurish (I'm fully aware that it is supposed to be as it was mainly filmed on handicams, but this has been done a million times before and anyone who thought 'Godzilla' meets 'Blair Witch' was a good concept needs to be hunted down and killed by mob in a similar way to how some countries treat sex offenders (watch out Polanski).) It's self indulgent ( soo much unwarranted publicity) and you know from the start the main character is gonna be fucked. In all honesty when a film associated with J.J. Abrams comes out, you have to check it out because the guy brought us 'Lost'. However that clearly didn't count for shit. This film has characters that are so dull and vapid and just so fucking unlikeable that you feel that if they had cast Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Katie Price, you may have actually felt some empathy. This film suffered from it's very successful viral marketing campaign and never lived up to the hype. It was kind of like being a kid, waiting all year for Christmas only to be woken up on Christmas day by the sound of a man dressed as Father Christmas fucking your mum (something I will never forgive Tim Allen for, that and 'Wild Hogs'.) To sum up 'Cloverfield' in five words it would be "Do a sequel, you die.".
3. Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) Dir. Chris Weitz
Anyone who has a girlfriend, fiancée or wife of a certain age has probably been forced to watch at least one of the 'Twilight' movies or as my mate Cheese (who also has a blog at http://cheeseytrout.blogspot.com/) refers to them the Twiglett Saga. It's not that it's a bad series of movies because at times there are moments that appeal to both men and women. The problem with this movie is that it's middle of the road. In terms of action it's lacking and the movie just drags you along kicking and screaming like an Ipswich prostitute. There are moments so dull that you begin to play a little game in which you spot things around the room in which you can bludgeon yourself to death with, in this instance I counted 5 if I can count bludgeoning my mind with a book by Katie Price. 'Twilight' sets up the story nicely and 'Eclipse' keeps you looking forward to 'Breaking Dawn' but 'New Moon' works like an anti-depressant, it makes you numb on the inside. Bella is such a depressing character that I think she would make a Valium contemplate suicide. Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself I have just lost hours of my life to this piece of crap, hours I will never see again, hours that I could have spent with loved ones, hours that I will curse on my deathbed? Well this is one of them. I know that I run a risk of reprisal from die-hard 'Twilight' fans or single women as they are more commonly known, but I'm not actually putting down the whole saga just this worthless piece of shit, but I better stop before a "Twi-Hard" sucks my blood and tries to make sweet love to my rotting corpse.
4. American Virgin (2009) Dir. Clare Kilner.
Can anybody tell me how the fuck Rob Sneider gets work? Honestly the guy is about as funny as bollock cancer & less appealing to boot. He looks like a pool boy with down syndrome. Seriously what's his fucking appeal? What demographics does he bring in? Oh I hear he tests well with sexually repressed inbred hicks ages 18-29. This film is based around a girl who is one of those promise ring wearing virgin types ( the kind that you see on milk cartons throughout America and are usually found dead in a motel room after being viciously sexually assaulted by a close family member.) and her new room mate who is essentially a female Van Wilder but with more balls. After accidentally getting drunk ( too naive to realise that a jello shot contains alcohol) the virgin type is video taped doing numerous lewd and drunken acts for a "Chicks go crazy" video (a cheap rip off of girls gone wild). She then has to track down the scumbag responsible for making this video (enter Rob Schneider) and prevent him from ever releasing it, for fear of losing everything she has. Instead of making a statement about how stupid the whole concept of promise rings and abstinence is ( see 'Teeth' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/) it just spends the film sinking to new depths. Predictably the girl abandoned her values and everything works out in the end. An ending that you could see from the DVD cover (ooh 'American Virgins' I wonder if someone will lose their virginity). If you find yourself watching this movie, run away!!! If that's not an option then I would suggest sticking a sharp object up your arse because it really can't get that much more unpleasant.
5. Batman Forever (1995) & Batman & Robin (1997) Dir. Joel Schumacher
I know what your thinking two movies?! What's that all about? Well I can't talk about how shit one is without mentioning how shit the other one is. They are part of the same shit stained, fuck brained, wanky parcel. Just a bit of advice Joel when you depict the Dark Knight on the big screen you have two options. You can make Batman dark and mysterious like Tim Burton ( 'Batman' & 'Batman Returns') or dark and mysterious like Chris Nolan ( 'Batman Begins' & 'The Dark Knight') you don't go for the nonexistent option of camp and shit like the t.v. Series starring Adam West. I will tell you the only good thing about these movies. Jim Carrey as the Riddler, he was a ray of sunshine on a day like 9/11. Batman should be a character of a typical male, someone who sets out to control his surroundings, has to fix problems that aren't his own and someone who probably needs to learn to communicate a little better. Batman is not a gay icon. He shouldn't be there are better icons for members of the gay community and Batman should be asexual (I'm not saying Batman is gay in these movies, but he's not really Batman in these movies.). The villains in these two movies ( with the obvious exclusion of Riddler) are shit one dimensional beings that give you no taste of the true Batman experience. If the character doesn't have a good back story then they are just badly cast or even changed from the comics to such an extreme that you feel robbed. Two-face has no real back story, in this film he got half his face burnt by acid when he was in court as the District Attorney. Apparently such an event can make you an evil master mind if that's the case we should all be a little worried about what Katie Piper (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1221077/Katie-Piper-Acid-attack-victim-bravely-shows-face-disfigured-boyfriend-Daniel-Lynch.html) has up her sleeve. Bane in 'Batman & Robin' was a test subject for a super soldier like formula that gives him incredible strength, however in the comics he is an evil mastermind capable of matching wits with the worlds greatest detective. In this film he is nothing but a henchman a disposable pawn in Poison Ivy's wicked if not limp wristed plan. Poison Ivy herself is an ok character in this movie and maybe it's the fact I don't find Uma Thurman the least bit attractive that I don't understand the power she has over Batman & Robin. Mr Freeze the last of the villains in these completely shite Batman movies is a case of bad casting, the character has a reason for committing crimes, a pretty decent motive but casting Arnold Schwarzenegger was the equivalent of someone lending their tools to Josef Fritzl. Just something you shouldn't do. The role requires someone capable of being evil but who has a heart, seeing as Arnie is now a Republican Governer he can do evil but because he's a republican governor lacks a heart. My last gripe with these piece of shit movies is Robin. I don't think I have ever met anyone who likes him, and I'm sure I've never heard anyone mutter the phrase "oh Chris O'Donnell I really liked him in....". That's because both are intolerable pricks especially in these movies. If I saw my family murdered by a half faced criminal "mastermind" my first thought would not be to avenge their murders by dressing up as superhero and being a cunt. I think I might grieve a little and then look for the latest copy of everyones wills and organize the funeral, but that's just me. My fiancée for some unknown reason actually enjoys these films (obviously not as much as 'The Dark Knight' but still a fair amount.) and it is probably one of the many things we don't see eye to eye on, because in my opinion these films are atrocities. They Should be stricken from all records and put into protective custody like John Venables.
So there we have it 5 (or 6) movies that I wouldn't wish my worst enemies to see. Movies that almost make you wish that the art form of cinema had never been created. So if you watch any of these after my warning don't say I didn't warn you and if you have had this misfortune of watching these movies and actually disagree I welcome your opinions. And just as a bonus here is a quick list of films that didn't quite make the cut.
6.Ripper (2001) Dir. John Eyres.
7. Satan's little helper (2004) Dir. Jeff Lieberman.
8. American Pie 3: The wedding (2003) Dir. Jesse Dylan.
9. Any movie that ends in movie that wasn't the original two 'Scary Movies'.
10. Any movie with Jennifer Annistan that isn't 'The Break Up'.
So thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully a new blog will be up soon.
Well blog one was about the iPad (tech) blog two was about the Fresh Prince (t.v.) so to even things up so to speak I am going to discuss some movies, but not just any movies I'm going to discuss the five worst movies I have ever watched (and by watched I mean had my retinas burnt by). I'm talking about the kind of movie that has you begging for the sweet release of death or at the very least the tools to remove your eyes from their sockets. So here it is after much bullshit and procrastination is the least of my least favourite movies in no particular order.
1. Reeker (2005) Dir. Dave Payne.
A couple of years back me and my fiancée were on a bit of a horror movie kick, once we had got through the classics like the early 'Saw' movies, 'Nightmare on Elm street', Halloween and anything by Rob Zombie (FYI if you haven't seen a movie by Zombie, you are missing out he is the Tarantio of shock horror) to name a few. We started trawling for cheap looking horror movies in supermarket bargain bins to see if we could find a gem ( which by the way was a fruitless endeavor) and came across Reeker. Never has a title been so apt since I saw a book about Josef Fritzl that was called 'Monster' (which is actually an impressive DIY manual for any budding Fritzl's). So what makes the movie so bad, in all honesty there probably isn't a good thing about this movie apart from the ending credits indicating I can put away the hand gun for another day. One of the keys to a horror movie that seems to be forgotten in modern horror is empathy. Yes that's right empathy if I can't relate to or at least feel for the character I'm not going to be bothered if they are brutally slaughtered. (take note Cloverfield, but more on that later.) So everyone that gets holed up in the skanky motel in the middle of nowhere are completely unrelatable or to a lesser extent douche bags. Whether it be the drug dealer or the two thieving druggies or anyone else caught up. I can't relate to these people, they're dicks. The monster in this movie is some sort of disfigured creature that looks like the offspring of Edward Scissorhands and a tefal blender. He sounds scary right? In all honesty he looks it but he does have a major drawback. What is it I hear no one ask? An Oedipus complex (like Jason from 'Friday the 13th'), short stature ( like Chucky from 'Childs play') or a completely rational fear of fire ( like Freddy from 'Nightmare on Elm street') oh no it's nothing silly like any of those, no. The Reeker stinks, that's right he smells really bad, so therefore can be detected early enough to get away. You would think. This collective of retards manages to go with every tired clichè of the genre. I.e. they split up and investigate their surroundings (another reason for no sympathy). One by one they are murdered and if I recall correctly one gets away. This piece of shit movie worries me, if someone at a studio read this script and decided it would make a good movie what other crap are they going to bring out (see 'Rubber' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1612774/).
2. Cloverfield (2008) Dir. Matt Reeves.
What can I say about this movie, that hasn't been covered before? Well in my opinion I think this movie shares similar qualities to 'One Night in Paris' ( the Paris Hilton sex tape) it's amateurish (I'm fully aware that it is supposed to be as it was mainly filmed on handicams, but this has been done a million times before and anyone who thought 'Godzilla' meets 'Blair Witch' was a good concept needs to be hunted down and killed by mob in a similar way to how some countries treat sex offenders (watch out Polanski).) It's self indulgent ( soo much unwarranted publicity) and you know from the start the main character is gonna be fucked. In all honesty when a film associated with J.J. Abrams comes out, you have to check it out because the guy brought us 'Lost'. However that clearly didn't count for shit. This film has characters that are so dull and vapid and just so fucking unlikeable that you feel that if they had cast Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Katie Price, you may have actually felt some empathy. This film suffered from it's very successful viral marketing campaign and never lived up to the hype. It was kind of like being a kid, waiting all year for Christmas only to be woken up on Christmas day by the sound of a man dressed as Father Christmas fucking your mum (something I will never forgive Tim Allen for, that and 'Wild Hogs'.) To sum up 'Cloverfield' in five words it would be "Do a sequel, you die.".
3. Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) Dir. Chris Weitz
Anyone who has a girlfriend, fiancée or wife of a certain age has probably been forced to watch at least one of the 'Twilight' movies or as my mate Cheese (who also has a blog at http://cheeseytrout.blogspot.com/) refers to them the Twiglett Saga. It's not that it's a bad series of movies because at times there are moments that appeal to both men and women. The problem with this movie is that it's middle of the road. In terms of action it's lacking and the movie just drags you along kicking and screaming like an Ipswich prostitute. There are moments so dull that you begin to play a little game in which you spot things around the room in which you can bludgeon yourself to death with, in this instance I counted 5 if I can count bludgeoning my mind with a book by Katie Price. 'Twilight' sets up the story nicely and 'Eclipse' keeps you looking forward to 'Breaking Dawn' but 'New Moon' works like an anti-depressant, it makes you numb on the inside. Bella is such a depressing character that I think she would make a Valium contemplate suicide. Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself I have just lost hours of my life to this piece of crap, hours I will never see again, hours that I could have spent with loved ones, hours that I will curse on my deathbed? Well this is one of them. I know that I run a risk of reprisal from die-hard 'Twilight' fans or single women as they are more commonly known, but I'm not actually putting down the whole saga just this worthless piece of shit, but I better stop before a "Twi-Hard" sucks my blood and tries to make sweet love to my rotting corpse.
4. American Virgin (2009) Dir. Clare Kilner.
Can anybody tell me how the fuck Rob Sneider gets work? Honestly the guy is about as funny as bollock cancer & less appealing to boot. He looks like a pool boy with down syndrome. Seriously what's his fucking appeal? What demographics does he bring in? Oh I hear he tests well with sexually repressed inbred hicks ages 18-29. This film is based around a girl who is one of those promise ring wearing virgin types ( the kind that you see on milk cartons throughout America and are usually found dead in a motel room after being viciously sexually assaulted by a close family member.) and her new room mate who is essentially a female Van Wilder but with more balls. After accidentally getting drunk ( too naive to realise that a jello shot contains alcohol) the virgin type is video taped doing numerous lewd and drunken acts for a "Chicks go crazy" video (a cheap rip off of girls gone wild). She then has to track down the scumbag responsible for making this video (enter Rob Schneider) and prevent him from ever releasing it, for fear of losing everything she has. Instead of making a statement about how stupid the whole concept of promise rings and abstinence is ( see 'Teeth' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/) it just spends the film sinking to new depths. Predictably the girl abandoned her values and everything works out in the end. An ending that you could see from the DVD cover (ooh 'American Virgins' I wonder if someone will lose their virginity). If you find yourself watching this movie, run away!!! If that's not an option then I would suggest sticking a sharp object up your arse because it really can't get that much more unpleasant.
5. Batman Forever (1995) & Batman & Robin (1997) Dir. Joel Schumacher
I know what your thinking two movies?! What's that all about? Well I can't talk about how shit one is without mentioning how shit the other one is. They are part of the same shit stained, fuck brained, wanky parcel. Just a bit of advice Joel when you depict the Dark Knight on the big screen you have two options. You can make Batman dark and mysterious like Tim Burton ( 'Batman' & 'Batman Returns') or dark and mysterious like Chris Nolan ( 'Batman Begins' & 'The Dark Knight') you don't go for the nonexistent option of camp and shit like the t.v. Series starring Adam West. I will tell you the only good thing about these movies. Jim Carrey as the Riddler, he was a ray of sunshine on a day like 9/11. Batman should be a character of a typical male, someone who sets out to control his surroundings, has to fix problems that aren't his own and someone who probably needs to learn to communicate a little better. Batman is not a gay icon. He shouldn't be there are better icons for members of the gay community and Batman should be asexual (I'm not saying Batman is gay in these movies, but he's not really Batman in these movies.). The villains in these two movies ( with the obvious exclusion of Riddler) are shit one dimensional beings that give you no taste of the true Batman experience. If the character doesn't have a good back story then they are just badly cast or even changed from the comics to such an extreme that you feel robbed. Two-face has no real back story, in this film he got half his face burnt by acid when he was in court as the District Attorney. Apparently such an event can make you an evil master mind if that's the case we should all be a little worried about what Katie Piper (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1221077/Katie-Piper-Acid-attack-victim-bravely-shows-face-disfigured-boyfriend-Daniel-Lynch.html) has up her sleeve. Bane in 'Batman & Robin' was a test subject for a super soldier like formula that gives him incredible strength, however in the comics he is an evil mastermind capable of matching wits with the worlds greatest detective. In this film he is nothing but a henchman a disposable pawn in Poison Ivy's wicked if not limp wristed plan. Poison Ivy herself is an ok character in this movie and maybe it's the fact I don't find Uma Thurman the least bit attractive that I don't understand the power she has over Batman & Robin. Mr Freeze the last of the villains in these completely shite Batman movies is a case of bad casting, the character has a reason for committing crimes, a pretty decent motive but casting Arnold Schwarzenegger was the equivalent of someone lending their tools to Josef Fritzl. Just something you shouldn't do. The role requires someone capable of being evil but who has a heart, seeing as Arnie is now a Republican Governer he can do evil but because he's a republican governor lacks a heart. My last gripe with these piece of shit movies is Robin. I don't think I have ever met anyone who likes him, and I'm sure I've never heard anyone mutter the phrase "oh Chris O'Donnell I really liked him in....". That's because both are intolerable pricks especially in these movies. If I saw my family murdered by a half faced criminal "mastermind" my first thought would not be to avenge their murders by dressing up as superhero and being a cunt. I think I might grieve a little and then look for the latest copy of everyones wills and organize the funeral, but that's just me. My fiancée for some unknown reason actually enjoys these films (obviously not as much as 'The Dark Knight' but still a fair amount.) and it is probably one of the many things we don't see eye to eye on, because in my opinion these films are atrocities. They Should be stricken from all records and put into protective custody like John Venables.
So there we have it 5 (or 6) movies that I wouldn't wish my worst enemies to see. Movies that almost make you wish that the art form of cinema had never been created. So if you watch any of these after my warning don't say I didn't warn you and if you have had this misfortune of watching these movies and actually disagree I welcome your opinions. And just as a bonus here is a quick list of films that didn't quite make the cut.
6.Ripper (2001) Dir. John Eyres.
7. Satan's little helper (2004) Dir. Jeff Lieberman.
8. American Pie 3: The wedding (2003) Dir. Jesse Dylan.
9. Any movie that ends in movie that wasn't the original two 'Scary Movies'.
10. Any movie with Jennifer Annistan that isn't 'The Break Up'.
So thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully a new blog will be up soon.
Honkeys be trippin'
I've been signed off sick throughout this month, so unfortunately you have the choice of going out and having my illness being doubted by any co-worker that sods law would dictate that I am likely to bump into or I can stay inside and watch crappy day time tv ( ok there is a third choice and that is to knuckle down and work on any of the projects that I have lined up). So crap tv it is, but as a person too broke for subscription tv, my choice of programs is limited and to be totally honest shit. I don't want to watch old people selling antiques to pay for a loft extension, I would much prefer to see a program in which junkies sell stolen goods to pay off a dealer. I don't want to watch a show about people who want to move to Spain to escape the rat race. I want to see a program where someone has to move to a country in which we have no extradition treaty to get away from the police. Anyways I'm going off topic here, the few daytime shows I can tolerate are strangely the ones I've seen time and time again these shows are Friends and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and it was from watching episodes of Fresh Prince that I came to this conclusion, racism is an ongoing theme of Will Smiths launching pad.
When you watch Fresh Prince, you get transported to the early 90's, a world dominated by inoffensive rap music, brightly coloured clothes and fade hairstyles. But don't let that distract you from the real issue here. Firstly the white characters in the Fresh Prince are one dimensional carbon copies of each other. According to the book of Smith, all white people are nerdy people who can't dance and wish nothing more than to be African American. Whether it's Will and Carlton's rich classmates or colleagues of Phil. They have one thing in common, they use African American slang in a way that makes you cringe. Will actually seems like the most racist character in the show, his childhood in "Philli" growing up in an area mainly inhabited by fellow African Americans probably has a lot to do with this. Where as the kids of Bel Air (Carlton, Ashley and Hilary) seem to integrate to the point where they are almost colour blind, but Will seems to hold some bigoted opinions, constantly berating Carlton for not acting "black" because of his republican beliefs and his love of Tom Jones. The best quote to prove this would be a poem Will recites to Carlton in front of his best friend Jazz.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, me and Jazz are black, but Carlton what are you?" Will seems to have very defined rules of how young African Americans should act, and Carlton does not doesn't fit in with this stereotype.
But before you think that I'm making this statement because I am white. I'm not there are other racist characters in Fresh Prince. Those characters are called police officers. It seems like almost every time Will got in trouble with the law there was an air of racial motivation behind the arrest. Would he have been nicked if he was white, maybe not, but it is it right to tar all cops with the same brush. Maybe it's justified with acts perpetrated by officers of the LAPD in the 90's but I bet there was also a lot of officers that weren't racist and found this portrayal quite offensive.
I guess the point I make here is kind of pointless I could do the same with 'Only fools and horses' , but from time to time it's kind of gratifying watching an old show and viewing it through different eyes.
When you watch Fresh Prince, you get transported to the early 90's, a world dominated by inoffensive rap music, brightly coloured clothes and fade hairstyles. But don't let that distract you from the real issue here. Firstly the white characters in the Fresh Prince are one dimensional carbon copies of each other. According to the book of Smith, all white people are nerdy people who can't dance and wish nothing more than to be African American. Whether it's Will and Carlton's rich classmates or colleagues of Phil. They have one thing in common, they use African American slang in a way that makes you cringe. Will actually seems like the most racist character in the show, his childhood in "Philli" growing up in an area mainly inhabited by fellow African Americans probably has a lot to do with this. Where as the kids of Bel Air (Carlton, Ashley and Hilary) seem to integrate to the point where they are almost colour blind, but Will seems to hold some bigoted opinions, constantly berating Carlton for not acting "black" because of his republican beliefs and his love of Tom Jones. The best quote to prove this would be a poem Will recites to Carlton in front of his best friend Jazz.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, me and Jazz are black, but Carlton what are you?" Will seems to have very defined rules of how young African Americans should act, and Carlton does not doesn't fit in with this stereotype.
But before you think that I'm making this statement because I am white. I'm not there are other racist characters in Fresh Prince. Those characters are called police officers. It seems like almost every time Will got in trouble with the law there was an air of racial motivation behind the arrest. Would he have been nicked if he was white, maybe not, but it is it right to tar all cops with the same brush. Maybe it's justified with acts perpetrated by officers of the LAPD in the 90's but I bet there was also a lot of officers that weren't racist and found this portrayal quite offensive.
I guess the point I make here is kind of pointless I could do the same with 'Only fools and horses' , but from time to time it's kind of gratifying watching an old show and viewing it through different eyes.
Saturday, 22 January 2011
iMistress
During a very productive writing session with a close friend, I was asked why I don't write a blog? To be perfectly honest I've never really thought about it before. What would I write about do? Do my opinions really matter? Will anyone read it? Well to answer the first question I'm going to write about the things that I enjoy the most. So what are these things? I hear you ask (assuming anyone is reading) well anyone who knows me will say the obvious answer is technology, but I also really enjoy movies and tv shows and I will write about all these things and maybe more if I feel inspired to do so.
Well that's enough about me, I wanted to focus on one of my favorite pieces of tech, the iPad. The iPad seems to be the marmite of the technology world, it draws equal amounts of praise and criticisms. However most of the people that do criticize the iPad seem to be the same people that will pour scorn on any new piece of Apple technology. As an iPad user I can honestly say it is one of the most amazing pieces of technology I have used. Since I bought my iPad (a 64gb wifi only) I have barely used my laptop. My iPad can do almost everything that a computer can do, there are exceptions and I will talk about them in greater detail later. I can access my twitter, Facebook and myspace accounts using free apps from apples more than impressive app store. I am currently writing this blog on Office HD and there are tonnes of other office based apps such as Apple's very own iWorks. The games on iPad are amazing Infinity Blade has the best graphics I've seen on a portable device and completely original gameplay, FIFA 11 captures elements from the console version although in all honesty it's not as good as playing the xbox or ps3 but on a boring bus journey it can be fun. See that's the best aspect of the iPad, it's portability it brings so many elements of a laptop or desktop and puts them into the your hands. Some people opted for the 3G version of the iPad which allows the user to access the Internet from anywhere that has a 3G connection. I opted for the wifi version because it was a) cheaper and b) I have mifi portable Internet adaptor from Three (which gives me 15gb a month for £23 a month, which is a better tariff than any iPad tariffs out there) so I get to access my emails, social networks and the Internet in general while out and about. I can pull my iPad out of my bag and I don't have to wait for it to load up like a computer.
And now for the negative, the ipad has one major drawback in my opinion. It cannot upload documents on its safari web browser. So I cannot upload my C.V. to a job site or upload photos to other sites, and in all honesty that is my only drawback with the iPad. To those of you reading this and thinking I'm an Apple fan boy. Your right I like Apple products. I don't fall at every word that comes out of Steve Jobs mouth, but I do appreciate what Apple have and are trying to achieve, but I will save talking about that I'm further detail.
It's coming up to a year since the iPad was first unveiled to the world and I've had mine since may when it came out. It was amazing when I first picked it up and it keeps getting better with new apps coming out and software updates. iOS 4.2 made took the iPad from being a portable tablet to a device capable of replacing your laptop. I can now print documents from my iPad wirelessly, so to an extent I really don't need my laptops ( with the exception of my iBook which I use for recording podcasts, hopefully in the future they will have an app that you can record and edit podcasts on I.e. GarageBand). I think when it comes to how good a piece of technology is you should ask my misses. If she gets pissed off with how long I spend on it, it must be a cracking piece of tech. In the instance of the iPad she refers to it as my mistress.
Well that's enough about me, I wanted to focus on one of my favorite pieces of tech, the iPad. The iPad seems to be the marmite of the technology world, it draws equal amounts of praise and criticisms. However most of the people that do criticize the iPad seem to be the same people that will pour scorn on any new piece of Apple technology. As an iPad user I can honestly say it is one of the most amazing pieces of technology I have used. Since I bought my iPad (a 64gb wifi only) I have barely used my laptop. My iPad can do almost everything that a computer can do, there are exceptions and I will talk about them in greater detail later. I can access my twitter, Facebook and myspace accounts using free apps from apples more than impressive app store. I am currently writing this blog on Office HD and there are tonnes of other office based apps such as Apple's very own iWorks. The games on iPad are amazing Infinity Blade has the best graphics I've seen on a portable device and completely original gameplay, FIFA 11 captures elements from the console version although in all honesty it's not as good as playing the xbox or ps3 but on a boring bus journey it can be fun. See that's the best aspect of the iPad, it's portability it brings so many elements of a laptop or desktop and puts them into the your hands. Some people opted for the 3G version of the iPad which allows the user to access the Internet from anywhere that has a 3G connection. I opted for the wifi version because it was a) cheaper and b) I have mifi portable Internet adaptor from Three (which gives me 15gb a month for £23 a month, which is a better tariff than any iPad tariffs out there) so I get to access my emails, social networks and the Internet in general while out and about. I can pull my iPad out of my bag and I don't have to wait for it to load up like a computer.
And now for the negative, the ipad has one major drawback in my opinion. It cannot upload documents on its safari web browser. So I cannot upload my C.V. to a job site or upload photos to other sites, and in all honesty that is my only drawback with the iPad. To those of you reading this and thinking I'm an Apple fan boy. Your right I like Apple products. I don't fall at every word that comes out of Steve Jobs mouth, but I do appreciate what Apple have and are trying to achieve, but I will save talking about that I'm further detail.
It's coming up to a year since the iPad was first unveiled to the world and I've had mine since may when it came out. It was amazing when I first picked it up and it keeps getting better with new apps coming out and software updates. iOS 4.2 made took the iPad from being a portable tablet to a device capable of replacing your laptop. I can now print documents from my iPad wirelessly, so to an extent I really don't need my laptops ( with the exception of my iBook which I use for recording podcasts, hopefully in the future they will have an app that you can record and edit podcasts on I.e. GarageBand). I think when it comes to how good a piece of technology is you should ask my misses. If she gets pissed off with how long I spend on it, it must be a cracking piece of tech. In the instance of the iPad she refers to it as my mistress.
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