I'll be honest here, I was struggling to come up with a topic for this blog. I could talk about the civil unrest in Egypt (but I'm far too ignorant) or the sacking of Andy Gray and Richard Keys (but anyone who knows me, will know I've probably said worse. On the subject of Andy Gray, when I was playing FIFA 11 I think he called Fernando Torres sugartits, but I digress.) I could even discuss the protests in London by Uk Uncut ( once again way too ignorant.). So I'm racking my brain (lying on the couch doing nothing) trying to think of a subject that will get people interested, words that may inspire others or at the very least provoke thought, argument or a giggle (btw who giggles, I laugh, my friends laugh, I don't ever hear people giggle and I've never heard a guffaw). So while waiting on this divine inspiration to fall in to my reclined lap, it hit me, well I say it hit me but it was more of a case of my fiancée hitting the 6 button on the free view remote. Yes my inspiration came from ITV2. That's right ITV2, the channel that brings us televisual classics such as "The only way is Essex" (which is kind of like a reality t.v. Version of "The O.C." except the c stands for cunts.), Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter ( in which the audience is constantly hoping that the next chapter involves chains and meat cleaver.) and Peter Andre: The next chapter ( a candid show that captures the Aussie pop singer and former sperm donor for Katie Price struggling to read the hungry caterpillar.). So what inspired piece of programming will I be discussing in this barely read and even less enjoyed blog? Here's a clue I'm going to cut the crap and "draw a line in the sand". Got it yet? Yeah that's right. I'm going to talk about Jeremy Kyle.
What can I say about Jeremy Kyle that hasn't been said already? Well let me try by saying I actually love this piece of shit show. I think its amazing. No other show on television shows you the truth that most problems can be solved by shouting. I enjoy this show because when I'm feeling that my life is crap and things aren't going to plan I can sit down, put on Jeremy Kyle and just bask in the glow of other people's lives going down the crapper. I'm not a "good" person in the slightest but compared to the pricks they get on this show I look like Ghandi. Where the fuck does he find these people? I'm thinking a lot of the "guests" are either the inbred hill people from "The Hills Have Eyes" or some of the children that Josef Fritzl had with his now estranged daughter. Most of the people who come on are identikit copies, they all seem to be on benefits and drugs and have never heard the word contraception ( which is fine but I think they should have been sterilized at some point). It must be hard for poor Jeremy ( don't worry insults will come later) to deal with this influx of slags and chavs and almost definitely having to deal with the stress of filming more than one show a day in order to fulfill ITV's requirements, while at the same time having to schedule around his guests benefits pay days. The stress of listening to these people's bullshit probably means that he won't live to 50 ( here's hoping anyway). The main thing that Jeremy does on his show is reveal results from tests, either lie detector (of course he cheated he's got a cock hasn't he?) and DNA ( would love it if the DNA test showed that the guests were in fact another species, that would definitely make me feel better about mankind), but how about Jezza ups the anty a little I wanna see people recording the results of a HIV test (serves you right for being a slag).
As for Mr Kyle, he must be one of the angriest men in Britain (Myself coming a close second). He shouts at his guests with no thought of the consequence and has been close to being hit on a few occasions. A usual episode will consist of some chav shouting, a slag crying, Kyle shouting then revealing a test result and then Jezza passes the buck on to long suffering life partner Graham ( if you look into his eyes they are trying to hide some dark secret of Jeremy's). I recently watched an episode in which he went around Britain confronting people that were claiming benefits, yeah nice one mate just take a swipe at your audience. I'm surprised he hasn't gone after teen mums, druggies and the elderly (oh wait). Jeremy my son don't bite the hand that feeds you. You don't see these work dodging, benefits collecting breeders go after tax payers do you? Kyle himself has had his own demons, not drink, drugs or women but gambling which is clearly the reason his show is sponsored by numerous online bingo companies (gotta pay back those debts right? I guess it serves you right for putting a wager on Audley Harrison.)
To sum up TJKS as I never call it, its white trash television. Not Jerry Springer white trash because, well we are British after all. We might drink, take drugs and have indiscriminate sex but we won't get naked and fight by a stripper poll, while an over weight pervert with a primary school education (or potential sun reader) plays sound effects taken from a seriously perverse episode of sesame street. Jeremy Kyle is clearly one of the four horseman, this is apocolypse, this is broken Britain, put your slippers on, get yourself a cupper, get comfy, sit back and enjoy. Feel free to add your opinions below or contact me personally in twitter. I'm @IamWicksie and this has been my Bloggle.
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