So 'Big Brother' is back on our screens or to be correct "Celebrity" Big Brother is back! So why the ironic use of the word celebrity? I hear you cry. Well let's face it, this years intake of species that we will be viewing in this petrie dish of human waste is probably the worst collective of celebrities ever. They didn't just just scrape the barrel, they washed it out and picked out the scum left at the bottom. Personally, most of the people who are in the house this year are unknown to me and the ones I do know of, I wish I didn't. So for those who didn't watch Celebrity Big Brother or in fact have no intention of watching it, here's a run down of this year class of famous morons.
Kerry Katona
Some people said she looked like Jedward, but I think she looked like Pink's chubby little brother. Anyways the drug-free, new look version 2.0 Kerry Katona is in the house. Will she break down? Will she make an arse of herself? Who knows? But let's face it the way our society works, I wouldn't put it past Kerry to win over the hearts of the nation and win this thing.
Tara Reid
Hey remember 'American pie'? Of course you do. Well Tara Reid was the main eye candy in this film and other than a few guest appearances on 'Scrubs' we hadn't seen much of her, and what we did see, we didn't want to (google Tara Reid's stomach). So Tara has been pretty much getting wasted since the wrap party for "American pie 2" and she was still fucked when she showed up in the 'Big Brother' house. Tara is another potential car crash in this years show, I'm having prophetic visions of her and Kerry fighting for the last bottle of Lambrini.
Paddy Doherty
Through fear of reprisal I will keep this short and sweet. Paddy was in 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding'.
Amy Childs
Anyone who watches 'The only way is Essex' will know who this poor excuse for womankind is. I, however have never had my mind raped by tripe like "TOWIE", "Geordie Shore" and "Made in Chelsea". So essentially she is a ditsy, vapid and shallow woman who brings no cerebral stimulation in the slightest. I will be honest she's one reason to turn off. When she speaks, her words touch me, not in a nice way but in a creepy uncle, Michael Jackson kind of way (they molest my soul) If you read "Zoo" or "Nuts" magazine, I'm sure you will love her, but for those of us that have a reading age above that of an 8 year old, you and I going to grind our teeth to the roots. Maybe she will grow on me and maybe I will enjoy visiting the dentist to have my teeth drilled at. Either way I'm ordering a shit load of novacaine.
Darryn Lyons
"Mr Papparazzi" as he is known to most, is one of the biggest (fat pun) distributors of immoral photographs (ok, papping celebs isn't that bad, but it sounded good right?) is finally being locked up, unfortunately just in the big brother house, not some Guantanamo style hell hole. He strikes me as someone I wouldn't tire of punching. Needless to say I also think he will be the most interesting of all the faux celebrities in this years house. He probably knows his fellow contestants better than they know themselves, will he use his powers for good? Would Gary Barlow fuck a chicken if you put it in front him? Who knows? I'm not saying he would but Gary Barlow and the chicken seems more likely.
Sally Bercow
She is the wife of the speaker of the house of commons, or at least she was before she went in the house. It's ludicrous how easy it is to become a celebrity these days. You don't even have to really be famous as long as you know someone who is a little bit. Apparently the man who installed Boy George's sex dungeon is going into the house next week. But seriously, I know very little about this woman, she strikes me as a bit of a bitch and a snob but I could be wrong.
Lucian Laviscount
I don't watch Corrie, mainly because I find it depressing and I'm not a sex offender so I don't watch 'Waterloo road', so I've never really heard of this guy. He's obviously some eye candy for the ladies and maybe he will get the ladies pulses rising but to be honest I'm probably going to ignore him for the next three weeks.
Pamela Bach Hasslehoff
The ex-wife of David Hasslehoff and former 'Baywatch' star is an interesting prospect, she probably has a few good stories to tell, plus she seems like she won't take shit from no one ( inspiring my nickname for her "the Bach-Hoff"). and I thinks she's already having an effect on the young male housemates. Let's be honest she ain't bad looking for an older bird, in fact she's a H.I.l.f. (Hoff I'd like to fuck).
Bobby Sabel
So they girls/gays get this guy and Lucian Laviscount as eye candy, while the boys/lesbian get what?! Kerry Katona, Amy Childs (btw if they're on Channel 5, who's on ITV 2?) and the car crash known as Tara Reid! What the actual fuck?! Anyways this is another handsome type, barring any controversy I will probably be ignoring.
Jedward
If the go compare man rented a room in a seedy motel, had sex with crazy frog, got the damn frog pregnant and had a son and that son cloned itself it still wouldn't be nearly as annoying as these strange little boys. A hideous mix of the twins from 'The Shining', Damien from 'The Omen' and Cameron Diaz in 'There's something about Mary', these boys annoy the fuck out of me, I never asked for them to be in our lives and I'm sick of having them shoved down my throat. It's all good when they are on a show like 'Buzzcocks' or '8 out of ten cats', because it's fun to see them being ripped apart by comedians especially as they don't seem to understand they are the joke. If there was any reason to switch, Jedward give you two. Saying that I would love to see what they are like over 24hours, no one can be that happy all the time.
So there you go, a brief rundown of the movers and shakers in this years cbb. I don't know what's in store for these freaks, but I'm gonna keep watching til I lose my buzz and who knows we are still long overdue for our first big brother murder (fingers crossed it involves Jedward and a big vat of acid).
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