How to lose an audience in ten days.

So 'Big Brother' is back on our screens or to be correct "Celebrity" Big Brother is back! So why the ironic use of the word celebrity? I hear you cry. Well let's face it, this years intake of species that we will be viewing in this petrie dish of human waste is probably the worst collective of celebrities ever. They didn't just just scrape the barrel, they washed it out and picked out the scum left at the bottom. Personally, most of the people who are in the house this year are unknown to me and the ones I do know of, I wish I didn't. So for those who didn't watch Celebrity Big Brother or in fact have no intention of watching it, here's a run down of this year class of famous morons.

Kerry Katona

Some people said she looked like Jedward, but I think she looked like Pink's chubby little brother. Anyways the drug-free, new look version 2.0 Kerry Katona is in the house. Will she break down? Will she make an arse of herself? Who knows? But let's face it the way our society works, I wouldn't put it past Kerry to win over the hearts of the nation and win this thing.

Tara Reid

Hey remember 'American pie'? Of course you do. Well Tara Reid was the main eye candy in this film and other than a few guest appearances on 'Scrubs' we hadn't seen much of her, and what we did see, we didn't want to (google Tara Reid's stomach). So Tara has been pretty much getting wasted since the wrap party for "American pie 2" and she was still fucked when she showed up in the 'Big Brother' house. Tara is another potential car crash in this years show, I'm having prophetic visions of her and Kerry fighting for the last bottle of Lambrini.

Paddy Doherty

Through fear of reprisal I will keep this short and sweet. Paddy was in 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding'.

Amy Childs

Anyone who watches 'The only way is Essex' will know who this poor excuse for womankind is. I, however have never had my mind raped by tripe like "TOWIE", "Geordie Shore" and "Made in Chelsea". So essentially she is a ditsy, vapid and shallow woman who brings no cerebral stimulation in the slightest. I will be honest she's one reason to turn off. When she speaks, her words touch me, not in a nice way but in a creepy uncle, Michael Jackson kind of way (they molest my soul) If you read "Zoo" or "Nuts" magazine, I'm sure you will love her, but for those of us that have a reading age above that of an 8 year old, you and I going to grind our teeth to the roots. Maybe she will grow on me and maybe I will enjoy visiting the dentist to have my teeth drilled at. Either way I'm ordering a shit load of novacaine.

Darryn Lyons

"Mr Papparazzi" as he is known to most, is one of the biggest (fat pun) distributors of immoral photographs (ok, papping celebs isn't that bad, but it sounded good right?) is finally being locked up, unfortunately just in the big brother house, not some Guantanamo style hell hole. He strikes me as someone I wouldn't tire of punching. Needless to say I also think he will be the most interesting of all the faux celebrities in this years house. He probably knows his fellow contestants better than they know themselves, will he use his powers for good? Would Gary Barlow fuck a chicken if you put it in front him? Who knows? I'm not saying he would but Gary Barlow and the chicken seems more likely.

Sally Bercow

She is the wife of the speaker of the house of commons, or at least she was before she went in the house. It's ludicrous how easy it is to become a celebrity these days. You don't even have to really be famous as long as you know someone who is a little bit. Apparently the man who installed Boy George's sex dungeon is going into the house next week. But seriously, I know very little about this woman, she strikes me as a bit of a bitch and a snob but I could be wrong.

Lucian Laviscount

I don't watch Corrie, mainly because I find it depressing and I'm not a sex offender so I don't watch 'Waterloo road', so I've never really heard of this guy. He's obviously some eye candy for the ladies and maybe he will get the ladies pulses rising but to be honest I'm probably going to ignore him for the next three weeks.

Pamela Bach Hasslehoff

The ex-wife of David Hasslehoff and former 'Baywatch' star is an interesting prospect, she probably has a few good stories to tell, plus she seems like she won't take shit from no one ( inspiring my nickname for her "the Bach-Hoff"). and I thinks she's already having an effect on the young male housemates. Let's be honest she ain't bad looking for an older bird, in fact she's a H.I.l.f. (Hoff I'd like to fuck).

Bobby Sabel

So they girls/gays get this guy and Lucian Laviscount as eye candy, while the boys/lesbian get what?! Kerry Katona, Amy Childs (btw if they're on Channel 5, who's on ITV 2?) and the car crash known as Tara Reid! What the actual fuck?! Anyways this is another handsome type, barring any controversy I will probably be ignoring.

Jedward

If the go compare man rented a room in a seedy motel, had sex with crazy frog, got the damn frog pregnant and had a son and that son cloned itself it still wouldn't be nearly as annoying as these strange little boys. A hideous mix of the twins from 'The Shining', Damien from 'The Omen' and Cameron Diaz in 'There's something about Mary', these boys annoy the fuck out of me, I never asked for them to be in our lives and I'm sick of having them shoved down my throat. It's all good when they are on a show like 'Buzzcocks' or '8 out of ten cats', because it's fun to see them being ripped apart by comedians especially as they don't seem to understand they are the joke. If there was any reason to switch, Jedward give you two. Saying that I would love to see what they are like over 24hours, no one can be that happy all the time.

So there you go, a brief rundown of the movers and shakers in this years cbb. I don't know what's in store for these freaks, but I'm gonna keep watching til I lose my buzz and who knows we are still long overdue for our first big brother murder (fingers crossed it involves Jedward and a big vat of acid).

Grime and Punishment (How to Solve a problem like Shaniqua)

So in the past week we saw some of the worst acts of violence on the streets of Britain for decades. The dust is starting to settle and now we are left with the aftermath of these atrocious events. The courts are doing their best to punish these violent thugs, but we are running out of space in our prison system, and is prison really the answer? Unfortunately, our prison system is failing us, it’s failing society and it’s failing the prisoners it’s trying to rehabilitate. So what can we do? Even before all this kicked off there was discussions about whether or not we should re-introduce capitol punishment. So what should we do to punish these ragamuffins? Well as always I have a few ideas (and as always they are either A) stupid B) offensive or C) Stupidly Offensive. So here they are, my list of ways to punish the looters and rioters.

1. Deportation                                                                                                           I know what you’re all thinking, you can’t say that. That’s racist etc, etc. I’m not saying deport them permanently, what I’m suggesting is a holiday or educational trip. One of the things that the rioters complained about was a lack of opportunity and the fact they are living in poverty. I find it incredible that someone wearing brand name track suits and organising riots through expensive blackberry phones can make such a claim. So I suggest they see what real poverty looks like. We send these kids to the third world for a week or two, maybe they will learn something, maybe they will appreciate that they live in a country that will support them as much as they can.
2. Apology Letters                                                                                                When I was in college I was a bit of a cunt (still am to be fair), I used to get in trouble a lot, and when ever I did I would have to write an apology letter to those that my actions affected. So my suggestion is to get every person involved in the loot and violence to handwrite an apology letter to every single household in Britain. I don’t know about you but I think handwriting anything is a pain in the arse let alone writing millions of apology letters. Plus the hand cramp involved in writing so much would stop them from being able the pinch anything for a while.
3. Swagger Jagger                                                                                                 “How can a song be a punishment?” I hear you cry, well, personally I haven’t heard this song but I have heard its awful to say the least, with some people going as far as calling for Cher Lloyd to be aborted. So my next suggestion is to put all the rioters in a hall strap them to seats and make them listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’ on repeat for 24 hours. Ideally this should crack them to the point where they will either want to top themselves or be reformed citizens. If this fails I hear Alexandra Burke has another album out soon, so we can just try that after.
4. Saw                                                                                                                       If you haven’t seen the ‘Saw’ films, what the hell is wrong with you, although some may lack in plot and credible story telling they do however make up for it in extreme violence and gore. Basically the ‘Saw movies are about the Jigsaw killer (even though technically he has not committed a single murder) he captures people that are wasting there lives, they are usually liars, cheats, thieves or drug addicts. He aims to teach them to value their lives by entrapping them in all manner of vicious devices. So why don’t we do this, I know capital punishment is kinda wrong and it infringes their human rights (to be fair suggestion number 3 would probably be frowned upon by the U.N.) however these guys might actually come out of the traps with a new appreciation for life, wanting to be the best they could be, and those who don’t make it won’t be much of a loss from the human gene pool.
5. Military Ops                                                                                                     Military ops? What the fuck? Yes your reading this right. The amount of destruction caused by these cretins was abhorrent but also a little bit impressive, they also showed no mercy and no remorse, if we could train these rioters and looters and harness their aggression we could get our empire back. 
6. Tattoos                                                                                                         Tattoos? Yep, Tattoos. In fact big forehead tattoos, tattoos that say cunt on them.Everyone will know why they have them so it will work like a warning for regular citizens of Britain.
7. The Stocks                                                                                                                 In the old days, people that stepped out of line they were put into the stocks and were pelted with rotten vegetables. That’ll learn’em.

So here are my suggestions for punishing these troubled youths, some punishments might seem a little extreme, but hey, its just a comedy blog what were you expecting? In next weeks blog is an exclusive interview with an eskimo wallet manufacturer.    

Wicksie explains the riots....

The recent events in London and other major cities in the U.K. Have saddened me, there is just no excuse for such senseless violence and destruction. Therefore from now on I will be referring to recent events as Bitch fit 2011. But what is the cause of all this, many people have stated that it's a generations anger against the government and the establishment in whole, but we are all suffering yet there are still honest people out there that have not resorted to looting and rioting. Some off the interviews with this disenfranchised youth sadden me beyond belief, their lack of understanding and complete disregard for others is beyond all belief. I know maybe it's not the right time for humor but here is a list of possible reasons why these riots started.

1) 'Watch the throne' being an iTunes exclusive:

Jay-Z and Kanye West's long awaited album was released on iTunes and iTunes only. Could the fact that this highly anticipated album is not yet available on CD?

2) Football transfers:

Is it any coincidence that a lot of these riots were near football teams? Maybe it's frustration at clubs selling their best players. I.e. Modric to Chelsea and Fabregas to Barcelona or even Tevez to where ever he pleases. Could people ever be that passionate about over-paid and over-pampered professional footballers? Who knows?

3) Cher Lloyd

Let's face it, shit really hit the fan on Sunday night, 'Swagger Jagger' reaches number one in the charts that day. I'm not pointing fingers but if I did they may well be pointed towards that dwarfish, troll-like talentless chav. How can a song that shit ( btw not heard it just basing this on public opinion) be at no.1?

4) Eastenders

Was it not only a week a so ago that Lola Mitchell set fire to a bunch of furniture in the middle of the square, if she has influenced this, this will be the most influential thing Eastenders has done since Steve McFadden got our nation into dogging.

5) Still no sign of 'Detox'

I know another hip-hop reference makes me sound racist but.... Even I'm a little pissed about this one too. Dr Dre's yet to be released album is becoming the 'Chinese democracy' of the urban community. However I didn't see anyone riot because it took so long to come out (although there should have been a riot when it did come out).

6) Voldermort

Yes I know (spoiler alert) that Voldermort is dead but maybe these kids on the street aren't disaffected youths but are death eaters. These death eaters are clearly pissed (spoiler alert again) that Harry Potter killed their leader.

7) 'Anuvahood'

Seriously that film was shit, plus it makes out that a lot of these young urban kids living on estate are thick and violent (oh yeah, in all honesty you could probably recut that film and it would be an example of what that culture is like).

8) The Olympics

A lot of people didn't want the Olympics in the first place, maybe the youth of the nation were sick of seeing Seb Coe and BoJo (Boris Johnson) talking about 2012, urban regeneration and stadiums. I know I am.

9) Still no sign of iPhone 5

If these kids are anything like me, they are probably disappointed that iPhone 5 has yet to be announced, why are you dragging your feet apple the kids on the street have spoken they want iPhone 5 and they want it now.

10) New Mac mini released without DVD drive

Apple only recently released it's latest incantation of the Mac mini, this time without a super drive ( DVD drive) wtf apple the Mac mini was the best computer for setting up a home media centre and although the disc drive isn't the be all and end all it was still a decent enough feature to keep. This has clearly angered the people on the streets.

So here is my list of alternative explanations for the riot, I hope you enjoyed it next week I will be discussing alternative uses for Cher Lloyd and investigating just what is a "Swagger Jagger".

The Most Surreal Day Ever...

As I write this, I'm currently sitting in a car with my mum, dad and wonderful girlfriend Kayleigh. We are on our way to the beach, but don't panic, I'm not about to write an entire blog post about our little stay-cation in Devon. But it will be about one day of it. A day like no other, and one that will probably be one of the most surreal of my life. Unless I encounter Somali pirates on the surface on the moon. 

     Friday started like any other day, waking up early resenting the alarm clock that shook me out of my glorious slumber. That's where the similarity ended, for today didn't involve work, me and Kayleigh were going to Devon, now neither of us drive, so our options were thus coach or train. Personally, I hate trains and I usually prefer the luxury of a coach, plus we had booked our tickets weeks I advanced (£9 per person each way). So we left our home to go to Heathrow airport bus and coach station. We found the bus stand and put our bags down, I then went to the nearest over-priced coffee shop to grab a latte for Kayleigh and a vanilla frappe milkshake for me. When I returned to my beautiful girlfriend she was having a conversation with a Mr Hussein. When he saw me he quickly left ( understandable seeing as I can look quite intimidating ;) ).

Not long after this we boarded the coach, noticing that our new friend Mr Hussein, kept walking away from his bag, every time he returned we felt a little less on edge. Finally our coach departed for Exeter for a hellish journey.

     I don't know how many people reading this have travelled anywhere by coach, but sometimes it can be quite a harrowing experience. Essentially, they take the worst parts of being on an airplane such as the cramped conditions, lack of leg room and the horrible fart smell ( to be fair the last one could have been me, Wicksie travel tip 1 never eat curry the day before a coach journey) and then they take away the best part (alcohol). So having to deal with four cramped and sober hours of coach travel is definitely not the best way to start any day, let alone a holiday. When we finally arrived at Exeter bus station, we were greeted by my cousin and up and coming rapper Zuby. My cousin drove us to the small Devon town of Hatherleigh, where we would be spending the next week with my family. We dropped Zuby's bags off at the place he would be staying and went to my parents, so me and Kayleigh could settle in. We unpacked a little and freshened up a tad and came downstairs to enjoy a barbecue with my mum, dad, my cousin Becky, my Aunt Sue and Uncle Phil and Zuby. This is where the day started to get surreal, here we are myself, my beautiful girlfriend, my family and up and coming hip hop artist Zuby, sitting in my parents garden chatting. We discussed many things but we were mainly interested to find out more about our guest Zuby. We learnt all about his up bringing and most of his life story and his influences. It was strange to see my family connecting with someone completely different from the people they are used to in their rural bubble. However this wasn't to be the strangest part of the day, no that would come a little bit later in the evening.

                                                                    

   After the barbecue and a few drinks we headed down to the main square where the marquee had been set up for Hatherleigh festival. There were three acts on that night and Zuby was opening. Now I don't know if anyone reading this has been to Hatherleigh ( or in fact if anyone reads this ) but Hatherleigh reminds me of Sandford the small little village in 'Hot fuzz'. That's not to say that it is anything like the fictitious village in which Simon Pegg and Nick Frost had gun fights with vicars and pensioners.

                                                                                   

                                                          

Being a Londoner, you have all these pre-concoctions about rural folk, especially ones who live in quaint little villages. In all honesty I felt sorry for Zuby, he was young black male in a village full of "honkeys" (my words not his) and he was about to perform for these people. When we arrived to the marquee, we had technical difficulties something to do with cables or something (although I'm a geek, I have no idea when it comes to outside electrical plugs, p.a's and sound systems). Once that was sorted out Zuby needed to do a sound check, however another problem struck when his cd full of instrumental tracks for him to rap over wasn't working. Luckily, he had a back up plan in the form of his iPhone, which had copies of all his instrumentals so that was connected to the sound system for him to rap to. The hour of judgement soon approached and a new problem arose when my uncle said that there was no one to introduce the acts, Becky, who along with her mum (my aunt Sue) worked incredibly hard to put on this show didn't feel up to doing it. Fortunately for them my girlfriend Kayleigh volunteered [me] to do it. So I went in front of a crowd of absolute strangers, in a place I've only visited once, to introduce a man I had only met that afternoon. So Zuby rolls on to the stage in front of a crowd filled with octogenarians, kids and farmers and gets the atmosphere going. It was surreal to see a group so disconnected from hip hop and urban culture enjoying Zuby's performance and if I'm completely honest I don't think Jay-Z himself would have been able to put on a better performance and I don't think he would have had the same charisma to get the crowd moving. It was a surreal sight to see people that are probably more used to hip- ops than hip hop dancing and enjoying Zuby's sound. Zuby should definitely have taken something from this, if he can make that much of an impact on a small village community, you can only imagine what it would be like to perform for those more receptive to his sound.

                                                           

I know I said this day was surreal, and in my opinion it was. I mean it wasn't Salvador Dali melting clocks surreal but probably about as surreal as a Devon holiday can get. For those interested in Zuby, follow him on twitter he's @zubymusic, my cousin has her own blog which is pretty awesome for music fans her twitter is @therealdealbex and Hatherleigh festival which I hope to be official compering next year is also on twitter @Hatherleighfest. all of which I suggest you follow.