I'm gonna level with ya, if your reading this thinking I may write about new movies. Your in for a disappointment but don't despair it's just one of the many you will endure on the ongoing journey to the crypt. I don't go to the cinema and I won't go to the cinema, there is not a good enough reason to make me to go, and there are plenty of reasons why I wouldn't and I think this may well be the topic of this very blog.
Reason one: The Internet
This might be because I'm insanely lazy or a because I'm crap in most social situations, but I would much rather download a movie from iTunes and watch it on my big screen t.v. via an apple t.v. box (by the way that last sentence wasn't intended as bragging) it's hd quality (albeit 720p) and it's quick and simple and let's face it that's what our society is aiming for right?! Isn't the future all robots and computers that do everything while we overpopulated the world with slow witted obese twat bags that will never work a day in their life ( sorry been watching too much Jezza Kyle and sci-fi movies). Fuck leaving my living room, big t.v., surround sound and an 99% chance of not getting stabbed (1% chance cos the misses may well tire of my bullshit, wouldn't blame her I'm getting pretty tired of it myself). Anyways I could talk all day about the intricacy of my relationship but you would get bored and my misses would rip my balls off and feed them to pigs ( she's watched too many Guy Ritchie movies) the point I'm making is if there is an easier way of doing something I'm going to do it that way, that even means that I will wait for a film to come out on DVD or the iTunes store rather than leave the safety of my home to go watch a movie at the cinema.
Reason two: The Cinema
I can't remember the last time I went to the cinema or even what film I saw ( although I suspect it was "Get him to the Greek"). If you are truly honest with yourself you can admit what a harrowing experience going to the cinema is. Firstly you have to turn up at the cinema to watch a film at a time that they allocate and it's always some strange time like 21:45 or 22:10 it might be because I'm slightly OCD but I want my films to start on the hour. So after you have picked the film you want to watch out of a choice of 6 ( which really isn't the freedom of choice I'm used to in this day and age) You then get to choose what overpriced snacks you want to buy ( oooohhh! Do I spend my hard earned money on the £5 drink or the £3 sweets?) seriously where the hell do cinemas get off charging so much?! If you popped into tesco and bought a bottle of pepsi and the person at the till told you it cost £5 you would probably tell them to fuck off. So why do we accept this case of extortion if ordinarily we wouldn't? Sometimes they even search you for food to prevent you from taking anything in from home. So forgive me if I prefer being at home to being searched by the food Nazis. Welcome to a Hollywood holocaust in which carrying a chocolate bar is considered to be on a par with possession of a wrap of cocaine and a shopping list is considered a thought crime.
Reason three: The movies
I think that the biggest and best reason for not going to the cinema, has to be the quality of the films. Let's face it apart from the odd film like "Inception" Hollywood really doesn't put out the decent quality it used to. If you go the cinema on any given day your going to be confronted by the following choices;
A soulless cgi movie for kids that lacks in plot and charm.
A hapless horror movie that follows tIred clichès and isn't remotely scary.
A pointless action movie starring some knuckle drugging ape as some guy who has to avenge something for some reason.
And whatever cheesy romantic comedy starring Jennifer Anniston in her usual Rachel from Friends persona.
So forgive me for choosing watching movies at home over being over charged to spend two hours in a room with a bunch of disease spreaders while being subjected to the latest piece of shit Hollywood considers to be a movie. When is the movie industry going to realize going to the cinema is as dead as the newspaper industry and Maddy ( most probably, don't hate me too much for that).
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