Films that make you huh!!!

When I first decided to write this blog I kind of made it my mission statement to discuss tech, t.v. And movies.
Well blog one was about the iPad (tech) blog two was about the Fresh Prince (t.v.) so to even things up so to speak I am going to discuss some movies, but not just any movies I'm going to discuss the five worst movies I have ever watched (and by watched I mean had my retinas burnt by). I'm talking about the kind of movie that has you begging for the sweet release of death or at the very least the tools to remove your eyes from their sockets. So here it is after much bullshit and procrastination is the least of my least favourite movies in no particular order.

1. Reeker (2005) Dir. Dave Payne.
A couple of years back me and my fiancée were on a bit of a horror movie kick, once we had got through the classics like the early 'Saw' movies, 'Nightmare on Elm street', Halloween and anything by Rob Zombie (FYI if you haven't seen a movie by Zombie, you are missing out he is the Tarantio of shock horror) to name a few. We started trawling for cheap looking horror movies in supermarket bargain bins to see if we could find a gem ( which by the way was a fruitless endeavor) and came across Reeker. Never has a title been so apt since I saw a book about Josef Fritzl that was called 'Monster' (which is actually an impressive DIY manual for any budding Fritzl's). So what makes the movie so bad, in all honesty there probably isn't a good thing about this movie apart from the ending credits indicating I can put away the hand gun for another day. One of the keys to a horror movie that seems to be forgotten in modern horror is empathy. Yes that's right empathy if I can't relate to or at least feel for the character I'm not going to be bothered if they are brutally slaughtered. (take note Cloverfield, but more on that later.) So everyone that gets holed up in the skanky motel in the middle of nowhere are completely unrelatable or to a lesser extent douche bags. Whether it be the drug dealer or the two thieving druggies or anyone else caught up. I can't relate to these people, they're dicks. The monster in this movie is some sort of disfigured creature that looks like the offspring of Edward Scissorhands and a tefal blender. He sounds scary right? In all honesty he looks it but he does have a major drawback. What is it I hear no one ask? An Oedipus complex (like Jason from 'Friday the 13th'), short stature ( like Chucky from 'Childs play') or a completely rational fear of fire ( like Freddy from 'Nightmare on Elm street') oh no it's nothing silly like any of those, no. The Reeker stinks, that's right he smells really bad, so therefore can be detected early enough to get away. You would think. This collective of retards manages to go with every tired clichè of the genre. I.e. they split up and investigate their surroundings (another reason for no sympathy). One by one they are murdered and if I recall correctly one gets away. This piece of shit movie worries me, if someone at a studio read this script and decided it would make a good movie what other crap are they going to bring out (see 'Rubber' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1612774/).

2. Cloverfield (2008) Dir. Matt Reeves.
What can I say about this movie, that hasn't been covered before? Well in my opinion I think this movie shares similar qualities to 'One Night in Paris' ( the Paris Hilton sex tape) it's amateurish (I'm fully aware that it is supposed to be as it was mainly filmed on handicams, but this has been done a million times before and anyone who thought 'Godzilla' meets 'Blair Witch' was a good concept needs to be hunted down and killed by mob in a similar way to how some countries treat sex offenders (watch out Polanski).) It's self indulgent ( soo much unwarranted publicity) and you know from the start the main character is gonna be fucked. In all honesty when a film associated with J.J. Abrams comes out, you have to check it out because the guy brought us 'Lost'. However that clearly didn't count for shit. This film has characters that are so dull and vapid and just so fucking unlikeable that you feel that if they had cast Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Katie Price, you may have actually felt some empathy. This film suffered from it's very successful viral marketing campaign and never lived up to the hype. It was kind of like being a kid, waiting all year for Christmas only to be woken up on Christmas day by the sound of a man dressed as Father Christmas fucking your mum (something I will never forgive Tim Allen for, that and 'Wild Hogs'.) To sum up 'Cloverfield' in five words it would be "Do a sequel, you die.".

3. Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) Dir. Chris Weitz
Anyone who has a girlfriend, fiancée or wife of a certain age has probably been forced to watch at least one of the 'Twilight' movies or as my mate Cheese (who also has a blog at http://cheeseytrout.blogspot.com/) refers to them the Twiglett Saga. It's not that it's a bad series of movies because at times there are moments that appeal to both men and women. The problem with this movie is that it's middle of the road. In terms of action it's lacking and the movie just drags you along kicking and screaming like an Ipswich prostitute. There are moments so dull that you begin to play a little game in which you spot things around the room in which you can bludgeon yourself to death with, in this instance I counted 5 if I can count bludgeoning my mind with a book by Katie Price. 'Twilight' sets up the story nicely and 'Eclipse' keeps you looking forward to 'Breaking Dawn' but 'New Moon' works like an anti-depressant, it makes you numb on the inside. Bella is such a depressing character that I think she would make a Valium contemplate suicide. Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself I have just lost hours of my life to this piece of crap, hours I will never see again, hours that I could have spent with loved ones, hours that I will curse on my deathbed? Well this is one of them. I know that I run a risk of reprisal from die-hard 'Twilight' fans or single women as they are more commonly known, but I'm not actually putting down the whole saga just this worthless piece of shit, but I better stop before a "Twi-Hard" sucks my blood and tries to make sweet love to my rotting corpse.

4. American Virgin (2009) Dir. Clare Kilner.
Can anybody tell me how the fuck Rob Sneider gets work? Honestly the guy is about as funny as bollock cancer & less appealing to boot. He looks like a pool boy with down syndrome. Seriously what's his fucking appeal? What demographics does he bring in? Oh I hear he tests well with sexually repressed inbred hicks ages 18-29. This film is based around a girl who is one of those promise ring wearing virgin types ( the kind that you see on milk cartons throughout America and are usually found dead in a motel room after being viciously sexually assaulted by a close family member.) and her new room mate who is essentially a female Van Wilder but with more balls. After accidentally getting drunk ( too naive to realise that a jello shot contains alcohol) the virgin type is video taped doing numerous lewd and drunken acts for a "Chicks go crazy" video (a cheap rip off of girls gone wild). She then has to track down the scumbag responsible for making this video (enter Rob Schneider) and prevent him from ever releasing it, for fear of losing everything she has. Instead of making a statement about how stupid the whole concept of promise rings and abstinence is ( see 'Teeth' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/) it just spends the film sinking to new depths. Predictably the girl abandoned her values and everything works out in the end. An ending that you could see from the DVD cover (ooh 'American Virgins' I wonder if someone will lose their virginity). If you find yourself watching this movie, run away!!! If that's not an option then I would suggest sticking a sharp object up your arse because it really can't get that much more unpleasant.

5. Batman Forever (1995) & Batman & Robin (1997) Dir. Joel Schumacher
I know what your thinking two movies?! What's that all about? Well I can't talk about how shit one is without mentioning how shit the other one is. They are part of the same shit stained, fuck brained, wanky parcel. Just a bit of advice Joel when you depict the Dark Knight on the big screen you have two options. You can make Batman dark and mysterious like Tim Burton ( 'Batman' & 'Batman Returns') or dark and mysterious like Chris Nolan ( 'Batman Begins' & 'The Dark Knight') you don't go for the nonexistent option of camp and shit like the t.v. Series starring Adam West. I will tell you the only good thing about these movies. Jim Carrey as the Riddler, he was a ray of sunshine on a day like 9/11. Batman should be a character of a typical male, someone who sets out to control his surroundings, has to fix problems that aren't his own and someone who probably needs to learn to communicate a little better. Batman is not a gay icon. He shouldn't be there are better icons for members of the gay community and Batman should be asexual (I'm not saying Batman is gay in these movies, but he's not really Batman in these movies.). The villains in these two movies ( with the obvious exclusion of Riddler) are shit one dimensional beings that give you no taste of the true Batman experience. If the character doesn't have a good back story then they are just badly cast or even changed from the comics to such an extreme that you feel robbed. Two-face has no real back story, in this film he got half his face burnt by acid when he was in court as the District Attorney. Apparently such an event can make you an evil master mind if that's the case we should all be a little worried about what Katie Piper (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1221077/Katie-Piper-Acid-attack-victim-bravely-shows-face-disfigured-boyfriend-Daniel-Lynch.html) has up her sleeve. Bane in 'Batman & Robin' was a test subject for a super soldier like formula that gives him incredible strength, however in the comics he is an evil mastermind capable of matching wits with the worlds greatest detective. In this film he is nothing but a henchman a disposable pawn in Poison Ivy's wicked if not limp wristed plan. Poison Ivy herself is an ok character in this movie and maybe it's the fact I don't find Uma Thurman the least bit attractive that I don't understand the power she has over Batman & Robin. Mr Freeze the last of the villains in these completely shite Batman movies is a case of bad casting, the character has a reason for committing crimes, a pretty decent motive but casting Arnold Schwarzenegger was the equivalent of someone lending their tools to Josef Fritzl. Just something you shouldn't do. The role requires someone capable of being evil but who has a heart, seeing as Arnie is now a Republican Governer he can do evil but because he's a republican governor lacks a heart. My last gripe with these piece of shit movies is Robin. I don't think I have ever met anyone who likes him, and I'm sure I've never heard anyone mutter the phrase "oh Chris O'Donnell I really liked him in....". That's because both are intolerable pricks especially in these movies. If I saw my family murdered by a half faced criminal "mastermind" my first thought would not be to avenge their murders by dressing up as superhero and being a cunt. I think I might grieve a little and then look for the latest copy of everyones wills and organize the funeral, but that's just me. My fiancée for some unknown reason actually enjoys these films (obviously not as much as 'The Dark Knight' but still a fair amount.) and it is probably one of the many things we don't see eye to eye on, because in my opinion these films are atrocities. They Should be stricken from all records and put into protective custody like John Venables.

So there we have it 5 (or 6) movies that I wouldn't wish my worst enemies to see. Movies that almost make you wish that the art form of cinema had never been created. So if you watch any of these after my warning don't say I didn't warn you and if you have had this misfortune of watching these movies and actually disagree I welcome your opinions. And just as a bonus here is a quick list of films that didn't quite make the cut.

6.Ripper (2001) Dir. John Eyres.

7. Satan's little helper (2004) Dir. Jeff Lieberman.

8. American Pie 3: The wedding (2003) Dir. Jesse Dylan.

9. Any movie that ends in movie that wasn't the original two 'Scary Movies'.

10. Any movie with Jennifer Annistan that isn't 'The Break Up'.

So thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully a new blog will be up soon.