Grime and Punishment (How to Solve a problem like Shaniqua)

So in the past week we saw some of the worst acts of violence on the streets of Britain for decades. The dust is starting to settle and now we are left with the aftermath of these atrocious events. The courts are doing their best to punish these violent thugs, but we are running out of space in our prison system, and is prison really the answer? Unfortunately, our prison system is failing us, it’s failing society and it’s failing the prisoners it’s trying to rehabilitate. So what can we do? Even before all this kicked off there was discussions about whether or not we should re-introduce capitol punishment. So what should we do to punish these ragamuffins? Well as always I have a few ideas (and as always they are either A) stupid B) offensive or C) Stupidly Offensive. So here they are, my list of ways to punish the looters and rioters.

1. Deportation                                                                                                           I know what you’re all thinking, you can’t say that. That’s racist etc, etc. I’m not saying deport them permanently, what I’m suggesting is a holiday or educational trip. One of the things that the rioters complained about was a lack of opportunity and the fact they are living in poverty. I find it incredible that someone wearing brand name track suits and organising riots through expensive blackberry phones can make such a claim. So I suggest they see what real poverty looks like. We send these kids to the third world for a week or two, maybe they will learn something, maybe they will appreciate that they live in a country that will support them as much as they can.
2. Apology Letters                                                                                                When I was in college I was a bit of a cunt (still am to be fair), I used to get in trouble a lot, and when ever I did I would have to write an apology letter to those that my actions affected. So my suggestion is to get every person involved in the loot and violence to handwrite an apology letter to every single household in Britain. I don’t know about you but I think handwriting anything is a pain in the arse let alone writing millions of apology letters. Plus the hand cramp involved in writing so much would stop them from being able the pinch anything for a while.
3. Swagger Jagger                                                                                                 “How can a song be a punishment?” I hear you cry, well, personally I haven’t heard this song but I have heard its awful to say the least, with some people going as far as calling for Cher Lloyd to be aborted. So my next suggestion is to put all the rioters in a hall strap them to seats and make them listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’ on repeat for 24 hours. Ideally this should crack them to the point where they will either want to top themselves or be reformed citizens. If this fails I hear Alexandra Burke has another album out soon, so we can just try that after.
4. Saw                                                                                                                       If you haven’t seen the ‘Saw’ films, what the hell is wrong with you, although some may lack in plot and credible story telling they do however make up for it in extreme violence and gore. Basically the ‘Saw movies are about the Jigsaw killer (even though technically he has not committed a single murder) he captures people that are wasting there lives, they are usually liars, cheats, thieves or drug addicts. He aims to teach them to value their lives by entrapping them in all manner of vicious devices. So why don’t we do this, I know capital punishment is kinda wrong and it infringes their human rights (to be fair suggestion number 3 would probably be frowned upon by the U.N.) however these guys might actually come out of the traps with a new appreciation for life, wanting to be the best they could be, and those who don’t make it won’t be much of a loss from the human gene pool.
5. Military Ops                                                                                                     Military ops? What the fuck? Yes your reading this right. The amount of destruction caused by these cretins was abhorrent but also a little bit impressive, they also showed no mercy and no remorse, if we could train these rioters and looters and harness their aggression we could get our empire back. 
6. Tattoos                                                                                                         Tattoos? Yep, Tattoos. In fact big forehead tattoos, tattoos that say cunt on them.Everyone will know why they have them so it will work like a warning for regular citizens of Britain.
7. The Stocks                                                                                                                 In the old days, people that stepped out of line they were put into the stocks and were pelted with rotten vegetables. That’ll learn’em.

So here are my suggestions for punishing these troubled youths, some punishments might seem a little extreme, but hey, its just a comedy blog what were you expecting? In next weeks blog is an exclusive interview with an eskimo wallet manufacturer.